This appointment sucked! Basically within the first 5 mintues of being in the office I was told that because of my age and the type of tumor etc I only had a 30% chance of being here in 10 years time if I didn't have any treatment. 30%!! What the!!!! Not that this was an option but it definately made me realise how serious all this was. But if we were to go through with the treatment she suggested, had radiotherapy and took tamoxifen for 5 years, my chances of being here for my husband and daughter would go up to 70%. Obviously there's no second thought.
So she walked us through the TAC chemo plan she thought was best for me given my age. She told me that they only give this particular dose of chemo to people under 35 because 'we can handle it and we need to be very aggressive'. Thanks.....I guess????
Chemo.....it still makes me feel sick to the stomach even thinking about it and that was months ago. I was told to take an Ativan the night before chemo to allow me to get some sleep and also the morning of chemo so i wasn't too nervous. Seriously this was great advice! It really helped me to just go there, let them do what they had to do and just lay back and close my eyes and try and block it all out.
When i got home after my first round of chemo my parents and sister came over to my house to see how i was and to start with i was feeling fine. I was pretty stubborn at the beginning though when it came to drugs and only took them when i really needed to and after the first round of chemo i was still in that mindset but I learnt the hard way to get out of that and take the tablets they tell you to, when they tell you to.
The steriods that i had to take made me feel sick even before i had chemo and they also kept me awake so in addition to the chemo making me sick and tired the steriods were making it worse and not letting me sleep. Some days i would be so tired and frustrated that i couldn't sleep that i would just lay there and cry. Finally after round 4 I realised that it was the steriods doing this to me and my oncologist told me i could reduce them which meant that the last 2 rounds were a bit easier as i could sleep more and my nausea was reduced slightly.
Basically for me I had a week and a half of being sick (in one way or the other) after each round of chemo and then I had a week and half of feeling ok before the process would start all over again. I didn't vomit at all from it though which I was grateful for, however I was nausea 24/7 for the first 6 days after chemo. That was really hard. I'm overly sensitive to drugs apparently so the chemo made me really nausea but the drugs designed to help that weren't really helping. Even the wafers that I had for when it got really bad didn't really help but all you can do is to try not to get hungry because that makes it worse.
After the nausea for me was the headaches for 2 days. Oh my god I had never had a headache like these in my life. They were bad. So I learnt to stay on top of the panadine or panadine forte so i could at least have a conversation and do things.
For me round one was the easiest and round four was the hardest. When it came to my fourth round of chemo my daughter had picked up a tummy bug so she was vomiting throughout the day, Mat got it as well so he was sick too and I had just had chemo so to be honest i don't know if i got the bug or not, i was feeling that sick anyway that it didn't matter. Our house was the messiest it has ever been! It was at this stage that i ended up getting the spare mattress and putting it in the lounge room so i could still be out playing with macy but resting at the same time. So I got it out for the next 2 rounds of chemo so I still felt like i was getting rest but at the same time not in my room all the time because for the first 3 rounds of chemo I only went to bed when Macy did or when we had arranged for her to be babysat for a few hours if Mat was at work.
The best thing that you can do for yourself and your family is to let others help you. Everyone kept telling me that but it's one thing to say it, but doing it is pretty hard but unfortunately cancer puts us in positions that we wouldn't normally chose to be in and this is one of them. Just let it be. Let people help you. My girlfriends got into the habbit where they would come and visit but they would bring a meal with them for Mat and I and also for Macy, or they would unload the dishwasher for me while they were chatting. Those were the kinds of things that really helped and that i just learnt to let happen.
The other thing that I had to let happen was allow Macy to be babysat often. We were so fortunate in the fact that we had many family and friends around us that could have her (and that she also really liked to be around) so that made this easier to deal with but initially for me it was hard because i already felt like i was being such a burden already and I felt that i was being even more of a burden by not being able to look after macy myself when mat was at work when i had just had my chemo or even during my never ending appointment with doctors.
My wonderfuly cousin Annie (along with Sis and Lucy) used to send me 'care packages' each chemo session. It was such a wonderful idea and I used to get excited each chemo day knowing that i had a new package to look forward to and it took my mind off the chemo i was having that day. They would send things like pyjama's and socks, flowers and movie vouchers and they would also pack something little for Mat and Macy which made us all feel special. And if this wasn't enough they came and stayed with me a few times during chemo and my surgeries while mat was working to take care of macy and I. You couldn't ask for a better family.
My poor husband Mat. Seriously he deserves a medal for what i put him through when i was going through chemo. There were so many days where i would just start crying for no reason or where i got upset at him for not helping me more but he really was doing his best but it's hard to see that and be understanding when you feel like crap. The other thing that i found really hard was not being able to do everything for Macy. I was her primary carer up until then and to take a backseat to that was really hard. Mat also found that hard I think as well because although he enjoyed doing things for Macy, he also had to look after me and to have to take care of both of us all of a sudden was pretty hard.
One thing I can say though is that I still got up and got dressed every single day through chemo and for the one and a half good weeks in between each chemo session, I tried to make sure that I did something each day to get out of the house, like take Macy to the park for an hour or go visiting. And we planned things as much as we could for my 'good weeks' so that we still felt like we had a life and that we were still a part of our family and friends. The last thing you need is to lock yourself up in your room for 5 months and alienate yourself. Actually come to think of it I had some really good nights out with our friends when I was going through chemo on my good weeks! I didn't even get a single hangover during chemo - I guess compared to all the drugs that were going through my system at the time alcohol was nothing! My sister kept getting cranky with me if I went out telling me I had to take better care of my body, and although I agree with her I also needed to be able to go to things like engagement parties and weddings when I could so that i felt normal. Those times were just about being out and having a good night and not about cancer. The only time that came up when I was out would be if i got too drunk and took my wig off because it was annoying me! That's terrible to admit because I did do that on at least 2 occassions that I can remember - how embarrassing!!
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