May 10' - Exchange Surgery

After the reconstruction surgery in December 09 i had to wait a minimum of 3 months before i could have the exchange surgery (removing the expanders and replacing them with permanent implants) so i decided to wait until after i was back and settled at work before having this surgery.

Again, to be honest the main thing i was worried about with this surgery was the same as the others - that they wouldn't be able to find a vein to put me to sleep! But I ended up having the same doctors etc as last time and she rememebered me and didn't even attempt to get one, she just arranged for them to put me to sleep in the operating room which was great and just what i needed to relax my nerves about the whole thing.

I knew that i would only be in hospital for one night with this surgery so to be honest i wasn't really worried about it at all. After all that i had been through, this really was going to be a walk in the park! The worst part about the day ended up being that i had to wait for hours before going in and when your not allowed to have any food or water I was one very grumpy girl by the time they took me down!

Immediately after the surgery when i woke all i can remember was having a really sore left shoulder and it wouldn't go away. So they gave me drugs to try and relax my muscles but i ended up in tears by the time Mat came in to see me and had to get him to rub it for me for ages to try and relieve the muscle pain. It must have been from the position they had me in during the surgery, which really shows how rough they must be with us when we're under and dead weight.

Once this pain settled down though i was pretty comfortable. My surgeon had used the same scars as last time to go in and replace the expanders so i knew that i wouldnt be able to feel pain from the incisions themselves because i'm numb on my breasts but he had re-positioned the implants so they were in a much better spot than the expanders were in so i had quite a lot of swelling and pain in the middle of my chest where i wasn't numb. As normal though i just made sure to stay on top of the pain with diagesic and panadol and it was fine.

During my other hospital stays my blood pressure was always really low and i found myself always feeling faint and quite weak but after this surgery for some reason my blood pressure was really good and i got up first thing the next morning and had a shower and got dressed and was ready to go home. Unfortunately i had to wait for hours until everything was organised for me to go, but it was a nice to have woken up feeling a bit stronger for a change.

The bra that he put on my after the surgery was pretty comfortable because it was quite tight so made me feel more secure i guess but i stopped wearing it after about 2 weeks and swapped to wireless bras mostly because the post op one was so big/high that you could see it under anything that i wore. Even now (2 months after the operation) i find that if i don't wear a bra for about 2 days my boobs get quite sore. My surgeon told me i had to start wearing bras and i believe him now. Actually his words were 'i'm giving you perky boobs so i want you to keep them that way, which means wearing a bra!' lol

Anyway, here's some photo's -

This was just before the surgery. As you can see the expanders were pretty far apart (6cm) so his plan was to bring them in closer (3cm) and also my right side expander was sitting in a different position so he had to do a lot more adjusting on this side (which is why you can see the extra texta marks).

The next 3 photos are the day after the surgery. I had waterproof dressings on them but took these photos when my Dr had taken them off to check out everything. I was really swollen for the first 2 weeks which is why they look huge in the first photo! Its amazing to think that he had just cut me open again and you can't even really tell. The middle photo shows my incision on the bottom of my breast (as he went through the original Lat dorsi incision) and the last photo shows where he went back in through the original mastectomy line and the bottom half of where my nipple used to be. Again he used the disolvable stitches but he also used some normal stitches on my right side just to give it a little bit more support. He took these out on my post op visit 2 weeks later.

My right side looks great (the left when youre looking straight at it in the photo) and it's my favourite ha ha ha but my left side isn't so good. It was never going to be as good though and i knew this so i just have to be happy with what he's been able to give me. There's a lump under my left armpit (i.e. the top of my left breast) which is the lat dorsi muscle from the reconstruction and my surgeon said that it should go down over the next 12 months of so and if it doesn't he'll try and reduce it for me so once this is fixed (either by itself or with help) i'll be even happier.

My left breast still has a little bit more 'settling' to do, and i wish that they were a bit closer together but overall i'm happy - I have 2 cancer free boobs so what more can i ask for i guess.

Thank you!!!!

When my father in law organised my fundraiser, he arranged for a short story to be in the Illawara Mercury to get the awareness out there about a 'young woman with breast cancer' as well as about the fundraiser. So, once all of my surgeries etc were over i really wanted to say a big thank you to everyone that came and contributed to the fundraiser, as it was only because of them that i was able to have my surgeries.

Unfortunately the Mercury put their own spin on the story and basically just wrote what they wanted and didn't publish the thank you that i wanted which i was really dissappointed and a bit cranky about.

So, here's what i had originally wanted in the article -

To whom it May Concern,

I am writing to ask for a thank you note to be published in the Illawara Mercury. In May of last year you published a story in relation to my fight with Breast Cancer and the benefit night that my father in law (Michael Crimmins) organised in order to raise funds for the McGrath Foundation as well as for my operations, cancer treatment and to enable me to be off work.

I am so sorry for the delay in sending this through however directly after the benefit night I had my last round of chemo, radiotherapy, I contracted Meningitis and then had my reconstruction surgery. All of that has taken me up until now.

I have just started back to work and have recovered from my reconstruction surgery (although i still have a few more surgeries to go they are nothing like what i've already been through) and I sincerely wanted to thank everyone that has helped me through this crazy time in my life.

I want to thank the business of the Illawara, the Illawara Tech Tahs, the Fraternity Club, South Sydney Rugby League Football Club and all of the ongoing support from our family and friends. It's because of you that I was able to go ahead and have my reconstruction surgery last year as well as have this time off work which allowed me to spend some much needed quality time with my husband Mat, and our daughter, Macy.

During my experience I found it hard to find personal stories and photographs from women the same age as me (I was only 28 when diagnosed) and in particular the struggles that we go through of not only the cancer treatment but of being a young mum as well. Because of this I am in the process of setting up a blog (sarahsbreastcancerstory.blogspot.com) which I hope other young mum's out there going through cancer treatment may find helpful.

The love and support that I have received from the people of the Illawara over the last year has been overwhelming and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I always thought that I was a positive person and having gone through this, it has made me realise that it really is the only way you can get through it. There are so many people out that that will love and support you, no matter how bald and lop sided you are :-)

Sincerely,
Sarah Crimmins

May 10' - Field of Women

As a weekend trip away for just the two of us we decided to go to Melbourne and attend the 'Field of Women' put on by the Breast Cancer Network of Australia. It was wonderful!

Honestly I wasn't sure what to expect from it but it was much more than i thought it would be!

We initially sat toward the back, under the cover and it didn't feel right. I wanted to be much more involved so we went down toward the front and right amongst everyone else and it felt wonderful to be surrounded by all that pink (and a bit of blue to represent all of the men that get Breast Cancer). I nearly started crying from the moment we sat down but i had to stop myself because i figured i'd be a complete mess by the time we got onto the field.



Once we were all on the field, we turned on our lights and at one stage the presenter asking for all of the breast cancer survivors to raise their hands and i finally lost it then! Even Mat was crying at that stage. It felt great and i can't really explain why it was so emotional, but it just was and to have shared it with Mat was just what we needed as a couple.



Thank you to the BCNA for putting it together!

Our Partners

My goodness, what can i say about this topic........there is so much to talk about.....

I don't know how other partners have handled their diagnosis and treatment but i think my husband has coped with it in a way that most men do with the feeling of 'reluctant to seek help for themselves because they feel they need to be ‘strong’ for us. Does that sound familiar?

Well that's just how my husband coped with it. At times i found this a bit frustrating because i needed to see that he was affected by it as well because it sometimes i felt like he was being a bit too strong if that makes sense. I could cry at the drop of a hat, but yet i never saw him cry....how could that be? It took a few months of me being sick before.... well i guess you could say 'before the shit hit the fan!'.

At the start of chemo i tried to be strong and was a bit stubborn when it came to the medication and Mat was great with convincing me to take what i needed to take etc but i always felt like everyone else (family, friends etc) allowed me to be sick when i was with them, but that Mat didn't. Most would make sure that i ate something or if my sister was over and i looked tired she would take both our daughters out into the backyard and tell me to go to bed for a few hours which was just what i needed. But when mat was home he never said anything and i used to feel like i still had to do everything that i normally would. Or during chemo i remember that i used to feel much worse if i allowed myself to get hungry so i had to eat regularly but i never knew what i wanted to eat so i'd whinge to mat and ask him to get me something, but i couldn't tell him what i wanted and he found that really difficult and frustrating.

I'm lucky that he is quite domestic and did help around the house a lot, much more than a lot of husbands that i know of, but at times i needed more help from him and he just didn't have it in him. He had not only a sick wife to think and worry about, but our 2 year old daughter as well.

When radio finished i think we both thought that i would start to feel better straight away and when that didn't happen we started to fight a bit. I was frustrated at my body because i was still so tired and i was sick of being sick and Mat was starting to get frustrated at me being tired and grumpy as well.

By the time the meningitis came, that was it really! I would have to say that this was the hardest time that we have ever gone through in our 11 years together. Neither of us had any reserves left in our emergency tanks and we just weren't getting enough time to refil them. So we fought a lot when i got home from hospital because we were taking 10 steps backwards and no steps forward.

I remember i got home from hospital a few days before melbourne cup and mat had planned to go out with his mates to get away from everything on Melbourne Cup day, and because i was home he thought that i was fine and went along to his thing. My girlfriends came over to be with me and to help with Macy and it was a nice day but i was exhausted. I still had the unbelievably bad migraines and they allowed me to just chill out and hang with them which was great but the time came for them to go home and mat still wasnt home. I called him to see when he was coming home and he was so upset with me for asking because he felt like he needed a day off. Macy ended up going home with a girlfriend of mine for a few hours so i could sleep because of my migraine and it was so frustrating for the both of us because i still needed him, but he needed a break as well.

After this episode we finally talked and i had to let him know that i still really need him and to please bear with me and understand that i'm not going to be like this forever and it will stop soon and i'll be back to being 'me' but i couldnt get there without his help. It had gotten to the stage where i was going to go and stay at my parents house after my reconstruction surgery because i didnt think that mat would be able to handle both macy and i as this surgery was going to be the hardest yet but after this chat that we had, i think we ended up on the same page and Mat was wonderful with everything.

So we went from the middle of chemo, thinking i was going to have to deal with a divorce at the same time as cancer treatment, to realising that he is my everything and i can't get through anything without him.

On the National Breast and Ovarian Cancer Centre website (www.nbocc.org.au), there's a section called Information for men whose partners have been diagnosed with breast cancer and it covers things such as;

• What she might be feeling
• How do you feel? Typical feelings when a partner is diagnosed with breast cancer
• Sexuality and intimacy
• Impact of a breast cancer diagnosis on kids
• Knowing what to say
• Help her by helping yourself
• Healing strategies
• Where to find support

Everyone deals with it in such different ways but ultimately I can't imagine having to have gone through this without him. Once we realised that it wasn't each other that we found frustrating, it was the situation we were in and the sickness and surgeries will stop eventually and we had to just hang in there.

Services Available

Suprisingly, with all of the information that we are handed at the inital stage of our diagnosis, there are a lot of services available that I had no idea about!

Some that i have learnt about are -

Southern Cross Community Healthcare - Through them i was able to have a cleaner come to my house once a week and help me with the housework. I can't tell you how great this was. Mat was great with helping around the house and all but with me sick and tired, and Macy being a normal messy 2 year old it was really hard to stay on top of things. When your a house proud person (as i am) it's frustrating to be sitting there looking at all of the things around the house that you need/want to do but you just arent well enough to do them. Unfortunately i didnt find out about them until just after i finished chemo however they helped a great deal through radio, the meningitis and then my reconstruction. Just having Robyn vaccum and mop the floors and do the dusting was an enourmous help. Their number is 1800 989 000.

Cancer Helpline - I did get a flyer about them in my first little 'So you have cancer....' pack but to be honest i didn't really think that much of it. It wasn't until later that my sister told me about a service they have whereby you can give them a call and ask them to put you in contact with someone your age that lives in your area and going through a similar thing. I was lucky and the nurse at my oncologist office put me in contact with Vanessa, who was all of those things for me, however for those of you that need this, call the Cancer Helpline on 13 11 20.

Support Groups - I knew that there was support groups around however at my age (28 at diagnosis) none of the support groups really suited me. To be honest i still haven't really found a 'support group' as such as does, however Vanessa, Dee and I have developed our own little informal support group as we all live in the same area. If anyone reading this lives in the Wollongong area, please send me an email (scrimmins@live.com.au) cause we'd love to have you join our little coffee sessions. For those interested in a normal Breast Cancer Support Group, there is an 'Illawara Support Group' which have meetings in Kiama, Warilla (both day meetings) and Wollongong - the last Tuesday in the month at the Congreational Church in Market street at 7.30. Anne Kershaw runs it and her number is 42842001.

The Young Women Support Group is organised by Lisa Athanassapoulos (02) 4226 6563 and is held on the 2nd Friday evening of each month at local restaurants. Vanessa, Dee and I attended this meeting once and it was lovely to meet all of the ladies from the support group however to be honest it wasn't what i was looking for so haven't attended since. I was needing to speak to women around my age who were going through the struggles with having a young child through the treatment, as well as the possilbity that we may not be able to have more/any children and the women at the support group were much older than me and had finished their families.

Aussie Breast Cancer Forum - This site is great because you can go on there whenever you want and participate as much or as little as you'd like but at the same time get an insight into what others are feeling and going through at the same time. The website address is www.bcaus.org.au.

Otis Foundation - As mentioned earlier in my blog this is wonderful! Basically the Otis retreats offer time out to relax, reconnect and regroup for those struggling with the challenges that come alongside serious illness. Each has been hand chosen for its location, in a beautiful environment which allows guests to draw on nature for strength and comfort. Partners, family members and friends are welcome to stay but often those who call on The Otis Foundation are looking for solitude or quality time with only those closest to them.

There are some more listed on my blog under the heading 'Useful Links' and there are probably a whole lot more than what i've put on here so if anyone reading this has more suggestions for me to add, please let me know.

March 10' - Work and Scans

Before i got sick i was a very work orientated person. I worked my butt off before i had Macy and was back at work partime 4 months after i had her and was working 3 days a week when i was diagnosed.

Initially when i was first diagnosed I thought that i would still be able to work through my treatment, but that i would just have to cut back and looking back on it now I wonder what in the hell i was thinking!

I really didn't realise how much my life was going to change when i was first diagnosed and it wasn't until i had an appointment with my oncologist and she told me what treatment i was going to have and then she wrote out a medical certificate for me for 6 months. I told her that i was still planning on working a bit and she said that i would be crazy to even try to. Between the robust treatment she was going to be giving me and also having a 1 year old, she said no way, i'd end up with Chronic Fatigue syndrome if i did. So i left that appointment an absolute mess. It took until then for me to realise how much my life was going to change. No work for at least 6 months - i couldn't comprehend it!

So through Chemo i obviously took her advice and didn't work and there's no way that i could have with Macy as well. I only had 1 good week out of 3 and I spent that time taking macy to the park and resting, getting ready for the next chemo.

Still though during this, i thought to myself, okay so i can't work during chemo, i'll definately be able to work through radiotherapy and i told my boss that that was the plan and i'd see how i go leading up to it.

Radiotherapy came and I was still exhausted and needing to have a sleep through the day so i realised that i'd be crazy to work through that as well. By the time the radiotherapy had finished and it took a few weeks for my burns to heal, I'd had 10 months off work and now too nervous about going back. My brain wasn't working properly and i felt like i was in a fog of some sort for a long time and i just didn't see by then how i could work when i couldn't even remember my appointments. But I felt bad telling my boss this. She had been so supportive all through my treatment but i also knew that they were busy and it would help them if i went back to work as soon as i could but i just couldn't bring myself to go yet. I needed time after all of the treatments stopped to just, i don't know, relax, clean the house now that i had some energy and get Macy to like me again!

Once i booked in my reconstruction surgery i decided that i wouldn't go back to work until the surgery, this would give me a bit less than 2 months to do those things that i wanted to do but then i got meningitis and the reconstruction was pushed back so i ended up being off work for a lot longer than i had ever planned.

Financially we were lucky because the money raised at the fundraiser had allowed me to be off work but with the huge costs of my reconstruction surgery, the money was gone. I had no choice but to go back to work as soon as i could after the surgery and now that i've started back i'm really enjoying it. To me, it is the symbol of normality and that we're starting to get our lives back.

So i went back to work for 3 full days a week, at the end of March this year and only 5 weeks later i've already had to cut back to 2 days week instead. I found that on my days at work i felt fine but on my days off i was exhausted. Work was taking up all of my energy and not leaving me any for Macy, Mat, the housework or anything else. I was back to feeling how i felt during radio and I didn't want to be there again.

I told my oncologist about how tired i was and she was concerned about it so sent me for a CT scan and a bone scan and to be honest this scared the crap out of me! I hated the thought of them having to find my veins again because of how bad they are and i immediately thought the worst. I wasn't so worried about the CT scan because i'd had one back in october with the meningitis and it was clear but i hadn't had a bone scan yet so i was nervous that this was going to come back bad. BUT i'm very happy to say that just on thursday i found out that both were clear - no cancer anywhere WHOOOOOOO!

But this didn't explain my fatigue. If theres no more cancer, why the hell am i so tired again? My oncologist diagnosed me with Fatigue Syndrome caused by the chemo. It will go away (may take up to 12 months) but in the meantime i have to 'give myself a break' as she said which is the reason i've cut back to 2 days a week. With what our bodies have been through, and having a 2 year old at the same time, work is the only thing that could give.

If i didn't have Macy I think that i would have worked a bit throughout the treatment and i admire those of you out there that can work throughout the treatment but I'd definately say that if you can afford not to work, don't. Spend that time doing something you enjoy and being nice to your body (make good meals, juices etc).

March 10' - Bali

Before i'd even had my reconconstruction surgery we knew that we needed to plan a holiday to help us to get over such a crappy year. So we organised to go to Bali. It was one of the best things we could have done. I feel guilty that we spent money which i would have made our life more comfortable later in the year, but it really was just what we needed at the time, so really the money doesn't matter.

Originally it was going to be just Mat, Macy and I but all of a sudden we found it becoming a 'Crimmins' holiday which was even better! I was so nervous and scarred about going back to work so it was a great way to get my mind off it and just forget about everything, especially the cancer. So the holiday was booked for March 2010. This would give me plenty of time to recover from my surgery and have a good holiday before heading back to work at the end of the month.

The place we stayed at was unbelievable - Villa Anggrek in Seminyak (picture below left is of our own private pool!) and it gave us the opportunity to spend a lot of time with mat's family. I must admit though, travelling with a 2 year old was not fun! Macy was still a bit funny with me and not really listening to what i'd say and not even really wanting to play with me or anything which was really upsetting. I guess she'd gotten way to used to me being sick and not able to pick her up or being too tired to be the 'fun one' so Bali was a bit of a struggle in that regard.

Mat organised for just the two of us to spend 2 nights in Ubud which was lovely. It really was like a second honeymoon and just what we needed. I'm not saying our sex life was nonexistent or anything but it certainly wasn't at its peak during the past year that's for sure. So this was a good way for us to reconnect i guess.

I had to be careful of my new scars while we were over there and with my skin i'm pretty careful about getting burnt but i was putting sunscreen on all the time because i had to be extra vigilant about not getting burnt. I found myself the perfect swimsuit which was a strapless one piece with a high back so it covered all of my scars. This meant i didn't feel selfconscious at all and i didnt have to worry about it getting burnt. I was dissapointed that i couldnt wear bikinis all the time though because finally for the first time in my life i have big boobs, but the scars on my back meant i shouldnt wear them (on the cloudy, less sunny days i wore one for a little while though :-).

Another great thing that i found on the holiday was that my energy levels were quite high toward the end of the trip and that felt fantastic. It went straight back to normal once we were home but while it lastest, it was great!!

Anyway, the purpose of this section of the blog is to put in your mind the idea of a holiday. During chemo my sister and brother in law took me away for the weekend which was great, but it was still hard because i didn't want them to have to look after macy for me but at the same time i was too sick to do all of it. But it was nice to have a change of scenery.

After the meningitis we went away for 3 nights just to re-coup and again, just to get away from everything but the holiday to Bali was fantastic and just what we needed. For months beforehand we had that to look forward to and it was worth every penny. Just recently i've learnt about a place called the Otis Foundation (www.otisfoundation.org.au) which is free accommodation for those with Breast Cancer needing to get away. I wish i had know about this earlier as i would have used it for sure but for those of you reading this, jump onto their website and get in contact with them! Get away when you can with those closest to you that you may be feeling at a bit of distance with. It will help with clearing your mind and allowing you to concentrate on the most important thing at the moment - you!

Think of the Positives

I've always considered myself a pretty positive person and even at the start of my chemo i still felt that way. But to be honest, one of my main struggles, along with being sick for the past 15months, has been the struggle to maintain that positive attitude. It's hard to look at yourself in the mirror each day when you're at your worst and your bald, tired and only have one boob, and still smile each day.

But, I'm proud to say that i did that, and the reason for that is because of all of the support that i received, in particular from Mat and Macy, that I can still smile each day and have a laugh at my own expense.

So even on my worst days (which are over now I hope!) I still tried to think of something to get me through.

Some of my favourite things were -

1. Not having to worry about doing your hair each morning
2. In the middle of winter, just when i thought it was really cold, a hot flush would come along and warm me right up!
3. Not having to wax or shave
4. Chemo brain is a legitimate excuse for all the things i forgot and the silly things i would constantly say
5. The money i saved on not having to get my hair done
6. If a meal wasn't that great, it didn't matter because i couldn't taste it anyway
7. I had a great excuse to get out of an invitation if i didn't want to go
8. When people make promises to someone with cancer, they tend to stick to them!
9. Even my friends were too scared to bag out 'chemo girl'
10. People always tell you how good you look when you have cancer, but never how bad
11. Getting bigger and better boobs at the end of it all
12. Getting a break from the housework
13. My house always smelt awesome from all of the flowers that I received

January 10' - Infills

I was actually pretty excited about the infills to be honest. I was nervous about whether it would hurt or not but still excited to be getting bigger boobs. The expanders have a 'port' in them which the dr uses to pushes a thick needle through to inflate the expanders with saline. It didn't hurt at all because my boobs are completely numb anyway so for once it was a 'nice' appointment where although i was still getting a needle (i've started to develope a bit of a fear of needles) it didn't hurt, and i got bigger boobs. What more could you ask for!

Here is a photo before the first infil. My surgeon put a little bit of saline into my expanders during the surgery so i would have some shape from the beginning which i was excited about because initally he told me he wasn't going to put any in.

These are after the first infil of 100cc's. As you can see my right side is smaller than my left because he didn't put as much saline into this side originally because i had a larger lat-flap on that side but it wasn't really noticable until after this infil.

All up I had 3 infills a week apart. My dr fixed the asymmetry at the second infil. Although the actual procedure of the infil doesn't hurt, the skin is still very stretched and feels really tight for about 2 days after each infil but nothing major. I think at worst i took panadol once after my second infil but otherwise it wasn't too bad.

These photos were taken after my last infil and shows the size i am at the moment. They're definately not the nicest shape at the moment, but as my dr said it's just to get the skin stretched to the size i want to be, and we'll worry about the shape etc at the exhange surgery which is on the 27th of May. I'm quite excited about it actually as i know it's going to feel a lot more confortable then they do now which will be great. Also he is going to fix my cleavage for me as well (all i've ever wanted is a nice cleavage!) because the expanders are too far apart so when he puts the implants in he's going to bring them closer. You can see the scar on my back in the side on shot as well.

December 09 - January 2010, Reconstruction

It finally came! I'd been waiting for a whole year for this - to have 2 boobs again! I was scared shitless but also excited about the end result.

To be honest to start with all i was nervous about on the day was the fact that they would have to try and find a vein to put me to sleep. I had a great anatheasologist (again with the bad spelling sorry!) who listened to me and didn't attempt to dig around and find a vein and i was so grateful for that because everyone else up to that point had stuffed me around and it really put my mind at ease.

I woke up with the morphine drip and another central line in. I was going to have to have antiobiotics for a few days so they needed to have access to my veins. To begin with I wasn't in too much pain but it was just the fact that there were 2 drains on either side of me, my back was sore and so was my chest so that didn't really leave much that was comfortable at the time!

The first thing i remember is how sore my back was. I kept thinking this for a few days, especially where my bottom left side drain was and i couldn't really understand why it was so sore there as i thought that my scars on my back were a lot higher and smaller than how they felt. It wasn't until the second or third day when my doctor was changing my dressings and mat was in the room and he saw for the first time what they looked like that we realised why i was so sore. Mat actually said 'oh shit' when he first took the dressings off because he wasn't expecting it either.

The first photo below is the one that he took for me so i could see what he was talking about. Because i have a small back they couldn't do it across my bra line (which is where i thought they were going to take the skin/muscle from). The second is to show you the drains hanging from the side of the bed (there were 2 on each sides).



The picture on the left is one day after the surgery and the second photo is only on the third day. The dressings were put back on but i was really suprised at how clean they were immediately after the surgery.



The hardest part is getting used to the fact that you have a foreign object on your chest. It hurts to even try and sit up right because you have the expanders on your chest wall that move slightly and its really uncomfortable. I'm used to them now but at the start it was really uncomfortable.

A few tips for anyone about to go through the same thing -

- Don't be a pushover when it comes to the nurses. Most of mine were absolutely lovely but that wasn't the point! I wish i was a bit tougher at times. The first day i had a catheta (spelling again, i know!) in but then they took it out and wouldn't let me get up to go to the toilet yet so for 2 days i had to use a bed pan and there were quite a few occassions where they left me sitting on it for a while and i was in pain trying to hold myself up, waiting for them to come back. Be tough and if this happens to you, next time make sure that you ask them to stay in the room or whatever you need to do to make sure this doesn't happen to you because it sucks!
- When you first get out of surgery and you have the morphine drip use it the minute you feel pain. I was a bit stubborn to start with and had a lot more pain than i should have if i'd used the drip as much as i should have.
- The same thing applies for when they take you off the morphine drip. Don't let the pain get out of control because it may take hours to get it under control again. I remember asking for pain relief one time and the nurse didn't come and give it to me for over an hour and by the time she came i was in so much pain that i was crying and rocking from the pain. It then took me the next few hours of being like this until it got under control again. It's hard though you don't want to sound like a drugo asking for more medication (that's how i felt anyway) but if you need it, you need, there's no if's or but's about it.
- They will give you some tablets to make sure you don't get constipated but don't take them if you don't need them. These are the tablets that you can refuse if you don't need them. Otherwise if you just take them anyway you'll end up with a sore stomach and will be on the toilet a lot more than you need to be which is not good because every time you get up you have to put your drains in a bag (all 4 of them!) and getting up in painful for the first week at least!
- Get plenty of rest. Thankgod for visiting hours. The first few days i fell asleep all the time and you need to just let your body do it when it needs to.
- Try and move around as much as you can. Don't push yourself too much but if you can, get up and use the toilet and have a shower as soon as you're feeling up to it and try and walk around the hospital (even if it's just to the end of the hall) whenever your feeling strong enough but also make sure that you have someone there to hold onto just in case. I used to go out the front with Mat when he'd come and visit and getting that little bit of sun when i was feeling strong enough was wonderful and really lifted my spirits. There was a few times that I went outside though and pushed myself a bit too far though so just be careful.

Here's a photo that mat took on one of those occassions where i couldn't even stand long enough to wait for the lift! It's the worst photo i've ever had and i look like i'm at death's door but really it's just that my blood pressure was playing up and i pushed myself just a bit too much.



The other photo above was taken when i just got home from hospital. The normal recovery time is 7-10 days and generally you can go home as soon as your dr can take the last 2 drains out (when the fluid gets down to 30ml). For the first 4 days i was on track with everything and my fluid seemed to be reducing so i was hopeful that i would come home after about 8 days but my nurse noticed a red spot on my left breast and although it was red already from the radiotherapy, it was getting worse. So from there i went downhill. The drain on my left side stopped working and the fluid was building up inside and it caused an infection. The good thing was that my breasts were healing fantastic but my back wasn't.

There was a build up of fluid on the right side of my back as well (which you can see in the photo above) but that was normal and went away after about 6 weeks (it was pretty grose to touch actually cause it was like a waterbed and all squishy) but the fluid on my left side (where my drain had stopped working) needed to come out and it ended up finding its way out via my scar. It was leaking that much that i had to have the bags put on (photo above) to catch all of the fluid and it added about 2-3 weeks to my recovery. So instead of being in hospital for 7-10 days i was stuck in there for 14 days and only got home on Christmas eve because i pushed the dr to let me go. I wasn't going to spend christmas eve in hospital on my own when i had a 2 year old at home waiting for Santa.

The recovery at home was pretty hard. You find yourself doing a lot more when you get home and although everyone tells you not to do anything when you get home, its not really practical. Macy still needed her nappies changed and her clothes washed etc so i had no choice really. Mat was lucky enough to get a week off work when i was in hospital and i really wanted him to spend as much time as he could with Macy while i was in there but she ended up spending a lot of time at his aunties house (she loves it there) so that he could be with me. I think we both really needed each other. He hated to see me like i was and i hated being away from both of them and lets be honest hospital is a really boring place for kids so he brought macy up to see me twice and she was going crazy after only an hour each time so although i missed her like crazy, it wasn't practical to have her up there (as well as the 1 hour trip up and back to the hospital).

Here's some photos of my back scars, 8 months after. I've definately seen better scars on others but oh well. My surgeon said he might be able to revise the one on my left side at my next surgery so hopefully he can.

October - November 09, Bacterial Meningitis

Just when I was starting to feel really good and had booked the date for my reconstruction surgery in, it all fell to pieces.

At first i thought i had slept funny one night because i woke up with a really sore neck. On top of that I got a really bad headache and it didn't go away, no matter what i did. Then it progressed to a sore neck and a migraine and Panadine Forte wasn't even touching the sides. I had to ring my mum when Mat was at work to ask her to help me with Macy because I couldn't even handle having my eyes open let alone caring for Macy. I really did just think that I had done something to my neck and if i could fix that, my migraine would go away. But by the time my sister came over that afternoon she was worried and called my Dr who ended up arranging for us to go straight to the hospital.

They thought it was meningitis to start with however there were concerns that possibly it was cancer again because the reason my neck was so sore was because my lymphnodes in my neck were so swollen and inflamed. Because of this they called my oncologist up to the hospital and she was really worried, which of course made me really worried. I decided that as long as the results come back negative for further cancer, i could handle anything. Luckily, they came back negative.

Some doctors said that i probably got it because my immune system was still low but other doctors said that it should have been back to normal by then because it had been a few months so it was a bit of a mystery as to why i got it. I wonder if any other cancer patients get it after treatment though?

I had booked my reconstruction surgery in for the start of November but because of the meningitis my doctors decided that i wouldn't be fit enough to have it so it was postponned for a month. I was really upset at the time because i had prepared myself emotionally to have the surgery and then i was going to have to wait another month before i could have it. Luckily they did this though because it took me at least a month to get over the effects of the meningitis. It was hard because i really had just started to feel better each day and i even had some days where i wasn't needing to have a sleep through the day which was a big deal, but then once I got the meningitis i was knocked back down even harder.

I was in hospital for 8 days and because i couldn't stand the light or any noise I only asked Mat to bring Macy up once to see me. Once again we had to rely on the help of family and friends while i was in hospital and mat was trying to take care of me and macy at the same time. My family read up about the meningitis on the internet and they all said that they had to stop reading because it was that bad - 20% of people die from it. After all that i'd been through, we couldn't believe that meningitis may be the one to get me. I had one really bad night when my dad was sitting with me up in the hospital (god love him, he was wonderful through all my surgeries) and i looked at him and just told him that i wanted it to stop. I didn't want to keep fighting anymore, i'd had enough. My temperature was at 40 degrees, my blood pressure kept dropping right down, endone's weren't taking the pain away from my head and i couldn't open my eyes from the light. I'd been through enough and at that moment, it was all too much. If i had been given a chance to make it all stop then, i would have taken it. But I didn't have that option, so i just had to keep going and deal with it.

Because of all of the blood test and chemo etc that i'd had to have so far for my treatments, my veins were really bad and hard to access. I couldn't use my left arm because of the mastectomy so i only had one tiny vein in my right arm to use which was useless. I had to have a central line put in which was agonising! The worst experience i had gone through to date. They let me go home with the central line still in so that i could continue with the antibiotics for another week. So just like the mastectomy when i had the drains coming out of my chest, this time i had tubes out of my neck and antiobiotics going through my system 24/7.

I went through another bad stage for a few weeks when i got home and just before my reconstruction surgery. It was just like after the cancer treatment had finished and i had to let my mind catch up with what my body had just been through. It was scary to listen to my doctors tell me how close i came to dying and i didn't really know how to handle it. It was good that I had my reconstruction surgery booked in for December because I had until then to sort myself out, rest and get my energy back and prepare myself mentally for the biggest operation that i would ever go through.

To help with this Mat decided that we needed to get away. The meningitis had scarred the crap out of him as well, knowing we'd come so close to losing each other and I was upset because i had missed out on a lot of time with Macy again. So we went away for a few days to Cronulla which was just what we needed. Mat and I went through a really bad stage when i got home from the hospital. We had both had enough and we were both running on empty and neither of us had any reserves left so we took it out on each other. I was still sick so expected a lot from mat when it came to helping with Macy but he needed a rest from it all as well. Going away for a few days helped us to get away from everything and just spend some time together and it's just what we needed to help us get back on track.

My worst stage was after the radio finished but for mat through this whole experience, his was after the meningitis. We were arguing a lot because I was still sick and grumpy and we were both just so over it all! I had to tell Mat that i needed him to push through and be there for me and put up with me being sick for just a bit longer to get us through the next big operation and then once this next one is over, that's it, he'll have his wife back because up until then, he'd had close to a year without his wife really (as hard as it is to say).

Before I could go ahead with my reconstruction surgery I had to speak to another psychologist to ensure that she thought i was emotionally fit enough to go through with it. And to be honest i'm glad that I had to do that because Mat ended up coming into the session with me and we both got to vent about how hard it had all been and it helped us to get back onto the same page as each other. Mat was going through this process as well and although i was the one that had to put up with all of the sickness and the pain, he was still going through it just as much as i was emotionally.

August - September 09, So very tired!

I can't believe how tired i was during this time! Although I was in a good routine when i was going through radiotherapy of going to the gym and sleeping when Macy did, this stopped around mid August because i just couldn't motivate myself to go anymore.

I was utterly lost.

I have never felt anything like it before in my life. For the past 9 months my life had been about appointments, being sick and sleeping basically and now that the formal treatment plan was over I didn't know what to do with myself. I read this from others on the internet, that they felt the same way around this time as well. I've never been depressed and never thought that i had the type of personality to get depressed but I would say that at this time of my life I was.

I was taking tamoxifen and had started taking Efexor for the hot flushes which is also a very mild anti-depressant so you'd think that this would have helped with my mood around this time but it didn't. I remember going out for dinner with Mat and after a few beers I really opened up about how i was feeling at the time and he was really shocked. He said to me 'how can you possibly feel worse now than you did back in december when you were diagnosed?' and all i could tell him was that I was, and much worse.

When you're first diagnosed its all so surreal and you're so busy with appointments and making decisions and just getting through each day that for me I found that i didn't have time to be depressed. I had too many other things to think about.....who was going to help me with Macy when Mat was at work, when's my next appointment with my oncologist etc etc etc.

But after all of the treatment finished I didn't have to worry about that anymore but yet I still felt quite sick and was just constantly tired. I was so angry at my body around then because all i wanted to do was sleep and i kept thinking, come on already i'm over this feeling, give me something new!

The other thing that's hard to deal with as well is that everyone around you automatically thinks that now that your treatment has finished, you must be all better now and life will get back to normal. But it doesn't happen that way.

We've just been through the biggest thing in our lives and just because we're no longer getting poisined (can't spell sorry!) by chemo and radio it doesn't mean that we're all better now. During chemo i kept saying to myself that i would go back to work a week or two after radiotherapy finished because 'i'd be ok by then!' Yeah right! I'm so glad that i allowed myself this time between the radiotherapy and my planned reconstruction to just let my mind catch up with what i'd just been through.

After I spoke to Mat that night and let him know how I was really feeling I arranged to go and see a psychologist to get it all off my chest. I couldn't get in until the following week and by then I was feeling a bit better but it still helped to go and have a chat to someone who doesn't know you, but deals with this sort of thing everyday and it was good to have a cry to her about how crappy i was feeling. She let me know that it's totally natural what i was feeling and that others often feel the same way. Like she said 'sympathy doesn't last very long' so we need to understand that it's easier for others to move on quickly but not so easy for us. We need to just let our minds catch up with what we've been through, and vent/cry when we need to about it.

June - July 09, Radiotherapy

Radiotherapy is definately easier than chemo but still hard in it's own way. For some radio is a bit of a breeze because they don't get burns however they still get tired but for me I got both.

I had to have 25 sessions of radiotherapy and it was 6 days a week for 5 weeks which is pretty much the same as everyone i think. It became my new full time job basically because I had to get macy and i organised, drop macy off at my mum's or mat's aunties house, go to radio and be there for anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour and a half, pick macy up and then go home so she could have a sleep. Once we got into the swing of it it was ok but it pretty much takes up your whole morning and then you're too tired to do anything else.

For me, I got into the routine of dropping macy off, going to the gym, going to radio, picking macy up, grabbing something for dinner that night and then going home and both macy and i would go to sleep for about 2 hours. I found that if i didn't allow myself time to have that sleep though i was a mess. It wasn't a case of just sleep because you can, I really needed it and without it I found that i just couldn't really function.

Other than the tiredness for me was the burns. To begin with my skin held up really well but they did warn me that i had to be extra vigilant with the sorbolene cream that they gave me because of my fair skin so that was also a routine that i got into - taking sorbolene cream with me everywhere and trying to remember to put it on at least 3 - 4 times a day.

Unfortunately i still got burns quite badly. It didn't happen until about 3 weeks into the treatments but once it started it got really bad really quick. I started to put dressings onto the wounds along with the cream etc that they give you and that helps a bit but your chest is a really hard area to try and protect so it was uncomfortable and i found that it really affected my sleep. I wasn't even taking any pain medication at the start either but soon got into the habbit of panadol every 4 hours to keep on top of the pain. At the worst stage of the burns, i peeled about 3 times. It got so bad that i would have a shower and just the weight of the water on my chest would peel my skin off. Disgusting I know but that's how it was for me. If your reading this and have to have radio, don't worry you may not get this at all.

The good news is however that once it started to heal, it healed really really fast. I had to change my dressings twice a day and about 3 weeks after my last session of radio (yes, it keeps going for a while after the radio ends, unfair hey!) i found that it started to heal all of a sudden.

A good friend of mine who I met toward the end of my chemo was going through the exact same treatment as me and also had a young child and we tried to organise it so that we had our radio sessions one after the other and it made going to radiotherapy sort of enjoyable because we got to catch up every day and have a chat. Here's a photo of Vanessa and her boy Charlie. Love you Ness, you have been a wonderful support xoxo

My beautiful husband organised a dinner for us and his brother and wife (Jason and Hayley) to celebrate the end of my treatment. No more chemo and no more radio. I was so excited and really wanted to celebrate so dinner was perfect. What made it even more perfect was the fact that he had secretly organised for all of our friends that could make it to be in the lounge bar of the resturant for when we finished dinner so that we could all have some drinks together. It was the best suprise ever! Here are two photos from the night.

You can't really tell from these photos but had lots of bandages on my chest from the burns and had my scarf on all night to cover up my bright red chest. You could literally see on my chest and back exactly where the radiotherapy was aimed. Also, I dont know if this happens to others but i didn't really lose my eyebrows until the end of radiotherapy. I didn't end up losing them completely but just about. This photo shows them when they are at their thinnest. It must have just been that my old hairs fell out just as my new hair was starting to come through. My hair was starting to grow back very very slowly at this stage so i definately still had to wear a wig. Unfortunately though I got really drunk on this night (i couldn't hold my alcohol at all during radio!) and ended up taking my wig off at the resturant. Talk about embarrassing! Oh well it was a good night.

May 09, Fundraiser

Mat and I are really close to our families and we were never concerned about the support that we would get from them but to be honest it blew our minds! I honestly think my father in law cried more than i did the first day that I found out about the cancer and his way of dealing with my diagnosis was to do something about ensuring that we could afford the best treatment that I could get.

So began his mission for the fundraiser. When he first suggested it I told him no way, don't be silly we will be fine. Thanks, but no thanks. But the more he thought about it the more he wanted to go through with it and the bigger it became. He ended up telling me that whether i liked it or not it was going to happen and I didn't even have to turn up if i didn't want to but to just accept that it was going to happen. So i accepted it and kept my nose out of it otherwise i would have stressed about it because it turned out to be huge! He should be an event organiser I'm telling you!

It started off as a few kegs of beer at the local bowling club and ended up to be a huge event in the biggest room of the fraternity club with about 550 people attending! It was unbelievable. The theme was 'Pink and Bald' and as you can see from the pictures everyone had to come either bald or in something pink and everyone embrased the theme which was exciting to see.




I can't really explain how i felt that night though because it was like it was all for someone else and not for me all night. I think i tried to think of it that way so i didn't cry all night long or get too nervous when it came time to do the speech. I had decided a few weeks before that I would take off my wig at the end of my speech as well and i'm glad i did because i think it made those who knew me see me for how i was at that time and it felt good to not be hidden under a wig or scarf like i had been for 4 months already. It was quite liberating!

The fundraiser was organised to raise funds for the McGrath Foundation as well as for my surgeries and to all me to be off work for as long as i needed and that's exactly what it did. It was because of this fundraiser that we received about $36,000.00 which allowed me to be off work for 15 months and also paid for most of my surgeries and treatment. Although you get money back off the goverment it's extremely hard financially because you have to pay all of the money up front (e.g. reconstruction surgery we had to pay about $20,000.00 in 2 weeks) and without the fundraiser there is no way that we could have come up with that.

The love and support that was in the room that night was unbelievable. I had so many people I didn't know coming up to me telling me their own survival stories, or just wishing me good luck and just having people i didn't even know as well as those that were close to me donating money was ......... i'm speechless as to how wonderful it was!

Even the morning of the fundraiser was lovely because 'Raise the Gong' organised for a lady to come over to my house and give me a pedicure and a manicure which was wonderful because i hadn't been able to have anything like that as they tell you not to because of the risk of infection. But i only had one chemo session left so I thought 'why not!'. I got a spray tan for the night as well which in itself made me feel 100% times better and then Raise the Gong also organised for my makeup to be professionally done. Although i hadn't lost all of my eyelashes, i had lost most of them so the lady put some fake eyelashes on for me which I absolutely loved!

A good friend of ours who is really hairy organised to be waxed on the night in front of everyone and filmed it to put it up on YouTube as his way of getting us lots of money. He raised about $1,200.00 just on his own and put himself through a lot of pain. How awesome is that!

If it wasn't for the fundraiser I would still be on the waiting list to have the reconstruction surgery and I would have had to have had it in 2 parts. My left breast in one operation and then my right breast at another time when they could fit me in and that would have meant another 1 - 2 years of our lives being dominated by cancer and I couldn't think of anything worse. I was able to have the reconstruction surgery in the same year as my other treatment and for me, new years eve of 2010 was a fresh start all because of our wonderful family, friends and the community.

The beautiful girl in the picture with me in the pictures above is my best friend. She is another person who was a wonderful support all throughout my treatment (and my life really!). Thank you Laz for everything xoxox

January 09 - May 09, Chemo

Our first meeting with my oncologist was terrible. The worst appointment ever throughout the whole process. Before we went I wasn't even nervous because I had no idea what to expect. Up until that time every one of the professionals we had met had been so understanding, supportive and easy to talk to so I assumed that this appointment would be the same. I also assumed that nothing could have been harder than when the surgeon had first told me I would have to have a mastectomy and chemo etc.....but i was wrong!

This appointment sucked! Basically within the first 5 mintues of being in the office I was told that because of my age and the type of tumor etc I only had a 30% chance of being here in 10 years time if I didn't have any treatment. 30%!! What the!!!! Not that this was an option but it definately made me realise how serious all this was. But if we were to go through with the treatment she suggested, had radiotherapy and took tamoxifen for 5 years, my chances of being here for my husband and daughter would go up to 70%. Obviously there's no second thought.

So she walked us through the TAC chemo plan she thought was best for me given my age. She told me that they only give this particular dose of chemo to people under 35 because 'we can handle it and we need to be very aggressive'. Thanks.....I guess????

Chemo.....it still makes me feel sick to the stomach even thinking about it and that was months ago. I was told to take an Ativan the night before chemo to allow me to get some sleep and also the morning of chemo so i wasn't too nervous. Seriously this was great advice! It really helped me to just go there, let them do what they had to do and just lay back and close my eyes and try and block it all out.

When i got home after my first round of chemo my parents and sister came over to my house to see how i was and to start with i was feeling fine. I was pretty stubborn at the beginning though when it came to drugs and only took them when i really needed to and after the first round of chemo i was still in that mindset but I learnt the hard way to get out of that and take the tablets they tell you to, when they tell you to.

The steriods that i had to take made me feel sick even before i had chemo and they also kept me awake so in addition to the chemo making me sick and tired the steriods were making it worse and not letting me sleep. Some days i would be so tired and frustrated that i couldn't sleep that i would just lay there and cry. Finally after round 4 I realised that it was the steriods doing this to me and my oncologist told me i could reduce them which meant that the last 2 rounds were a bit easier as i could sleep more and my nausea was reduced slightly.

Basically for me I had a week and a half of being sick (in one way or the other) after each round of chemo and then I had a week and half of feeling ok before the process would start all over again. I didn't vomit at all from it though which I was grateful for, however I was nausea 24/7 for the first 6 days after chemo. That was really hard. I'm overly sensitive to drugs apparently so the chemo made me really nausea but the drugs designed to help that weren't really helping. Even the wafers that I had for when it got really bad didn't really help but all you can do is to try not to get hungry because that makes it worse.

After the nausea for me was the headaches for 2 days. Oh my god I had never had a headache like these in my life. They were bad. So I learnt to stay on top of the panadine or panadine forte so i could at least have a conversation and do things.

For me round one was the easiest and round four was the hardest. When it came to my fourth round of chemo my daughter had picked up a tummy bug so she was vomiting throughout the day, Mat got it as well so he was sick too and I had just had chemo so to be honest i don't know if i got the bug or not, i was feeling that sick anyway that it didn't matter. Our house was the messiest it has ever been! It was at this stage that i ended up getting the spare mattress and putting it in the lounge room so i could still be out playing with macy but resting at the same time. So I got it out for the next 2 rounds of chemo so I still felt like i was getting rest but at the same time not in my room all the time because for the first 3 rounds of chemo I only went to bed when Macy did or when we had arranged for her to be babysat for a few hours if Mat was at work.

The best thing that you can do for yourself and your family is to let others help you. Everyone kept telling me that but it's one thing to say it, but doing it is pretty hard but unfortunately cancer puts us in positions that we wouldn't normally chose to be in and this is one of them. Just let it be. Let people help you. My girlfriends got into the habbit where they would come and visit but they would bring a meal with them for Mat and I and also for Macy, or they would unload the dishwasher for me while they were chatting. Those were the kinds of things that really helped and that i just learnt to let happen.

The other thing that I had to let happen was allow Macy to be babysat often. We were so fortunate in the fact that we had many family and friends around us that could have her (and that she also really liked to be around) so that made this easier to deal with but initially for me it was hard because i already felt like i was being such a burden already and I felt that i was being even more of a burden by not being able to look after macy myself when mat was at work when i had just had my chemo or even during my never ending appointment with doctors.

My wonderfuly cousin Annie (along with Sis and Lucy) used to send me 'care packages' each chemo session. It was such a wonderful idea and I used to get excited each chemo day knowing that i had a new package to look forward to and it took my mind off the chemo i was having that day. They would send things like pyjama's and socks, flowers and movie vouchers and they would also pack something little for Mat and Macy which made us all feel special. And if this wasn't enough they came and stayed with me a few times during chemo and my surgeries while mat was working to take care of macy and I. You couldn't ask for a better family.

My poor husband Mat. Seriously he deserves a medal for what i put him through when i was going through chemo. There were so many days where i would just start crying for no reason or where i got upset at him for not helping me more but he really was doing his best but it's hard to see that and be understanding when you feel like crap. The other thing that i found really hard was not being able to do everything for Macy. I was her primary carer up until then and to take a backseat to that was really hard. Mat also found that hard I think as well because although he enjoyed doing things for Macy, he also had to look after me and to have to take care of both of us all of a sudden was pretty hard.

One thing I can say though is that I still got up and got dressed every single day through chemo and for the one and a half good weeks in between each chemo session, I tried to make sure that I did something each day to get out of the house, like take Macy to the park for an hour or go visiting. And we planned things as much as we could for my 'good weeks' so that we still felt like we had a life and that we were still a part of our family and friends. The last thing you need is to lock yourself up in your room for 5 months and alienate yourself. Actually come to think of it I had some really good nights out with our friends when I was going through chemo on my good weeks! I didn't even get a single hangover during chemo - I guess compared to all the drugs that were going through my system at the time alcohol was nothing! My sister kept getting cranky with me if I went out telling me I had to take better care of my body, and although I agree with her I also needed to be able to go to things like engagement parties and weddings when I could so that i felt normal. Those times were just about being out and having a good night and not about cancer. The only time that came up when I was out would be if i got too drunk and took my wig off because it was annoying me! That's terrible to admit because I did do that on at least 2 occassions that I can remember - how embarrassing!!

February 2009, Losing my hair......

Even just the thought of chemo scared the hell out of me. One of those things that happens to others but not to you. You see other people walking around with headscarves on, knowing they have cancer but never imagining it would be you. So I decided to be pro-active when it came to losing my hair. I couldn't control how sick I got from the drugs or the fact that i would lose my hair, but i could control when i would lose my hair if i wanted to.

So, after my first chemo, and before my second one, I decided that I wanted to shave my head to make losing my hair a bit less dramatic for me. I invited all of my close friends over for lunch one day (including my hairdresser friend) and announced that I was shaving my head.

It turned out to be a really good day!



Although i shed a few tears when Cerise shaved my head, I felt better knowing that this part was something i'd chosen to do and i was in control of and it felt great. I can't believe i still had to dye my hair even when it was shaved down to a number 2 because of my grey hairs ha ha ha! I'd organised for one of the ladies from the local wig company to come over to my house on the same day and after I shaved my head I tried on some wigs with all my girlfriends around, giving advice. It all worked out so perfectly because it was easier to try on the wigs when my head was shaved and i'd had my close girlfriends around for not only the hard part of shaving my head but also for getting opinions on what suited me. Although i didn't buy wigs that day, i ended up buying 2 wigs - a golden blonde called Codi and a darker brown/red called Erica (see the photos) on a wig shopping trip the next weekend. These are some pictures of Codi and Erica -



After lots of champagne to celebrate my new look my wonderful twin sister decided that she would shave her head as well, this way I wouldn't feel as rare walking down the street if I knew that she had to do the same. How awesome is that! I told her not to but she didn't even hesitate. The next thing I know my husband had done the same, and then 2 of my other really close girlfriends did the same. Even my friends husband and her little boy shaved their heads as well.



For anyone going through the same thing, this was a fantastic way to help deal with the fact that you're going to lose your hair. I'm not saying that you won't cry because believe me, I still cried a lot when I lost my hair but just knowing that I had that sort of support and that I could take control for just a few weeks before it fell out anyway was a great feeling at that time.

It didn't take long after i'd shaved my head for my hair to fall out. I first started to notice it in the shower when i'd run my hands over my head and my hand would be covered in hair. But at least it was really short stubs of hair and not my previously long blonde hair falling out in clumps. Sometimes I wore my wigs but mostly i just wore scarves. During winter it was so much warmer anyway because you really don't notice how much heat you lose out the top of your head until you have absolutely nothing there to keep it in, especially at night time.
The first photo below is before my hair started to fall out, the second and third are when it started to fall out.



By the time of our benefit night (i'll tell you about that later) I had pretty much lost it all so I got my husband to shave it completely. With a razor blade even! It felt like a good idea at the time but I think it made Mat quite upset - me sitting in the bath looking really sick and pale from chemo, one boob and him shaving his wife's head with a razor blade. Not exactly a normal friday night for us that's for sure!

These are some picture of the scarves that I used to wear all the time. I wore these mostly instead of the wigs as i found them more comfortable.