Here we go again.....

I can't believe I'm back to feeling like this.

In 2 weeks it will be my 2 year anniversary from when i was first diagnosed and i am meant to be starting 6 monthly check up's instead of every 3 months and really getting back to normal life.
But instead I'm about to have a chest x-ray and pelvic CT scan because i have something going on with my ovaries now. I'm crying while i'm writing this because i really can't believe that i'm here again having to go through more tests. I feel sick in the stomach and want to throw up because it's like it was 2 years ago .......... the unknown, the fear that there's something more sinister going on inside of me that i can't see but i know is going to cause me more pain. I hate this feeling but there's nothing i can do about it except be a good patient and go and get the tests that i'm told to and just wait for the results.

For a few weeks now i've felt really bloated and uncomfortable and i could tell that i've put on a little bit of weight (i'm blaming it on tamoxifen, not the fact that i haven't been eating the best or excerising of course!) but this is ridiculous. I can't even suck in my stomach anymore to try and hide my belly. A few family members even asked amongst themselves if i was pregnant but of course I'm not because 1. i did a test and 2. that would be a bloody miracle if i was!

I've learnt that nothing is straightforward when it comes to my body and my symptoms so when i started to get some shooting pains down there i knew that something wasn't right and it wasn't just that i had put on weight. So i went to my wonderful GP and she could tell my left ovary was enlarged so she sent me for a pelvic ultrasound. How wrong it is though that regarless of whether you're pregnant or going through IVF or have something else going on in there, you all have to go to the same place for the ultrasound. It sucks! You're sitting there in the waiting room with all of these pregnant women seeing how happy they are, but yet i have to sit there amongst them thinking about how much i would love to be pregnant at the moment but no, instead i'm there because of something that is obvioulsy bad and certainly not a baby in there. It sucks, there should be a seperate place for pregnant women and for those that need an ultrasound for something else because it just sort of rubs it in our faces. Anyway, that's just me.

On with my story.......the ultrasound found 3 large cysts on my left side and one smaller one on my right. The ones on my left are the size of a tennis ball (your ovary should be 6mm but at the moment mine is 60mm) and the one on my right is 12mm. So it wasn't what they wanted to see but in normal circumstances it's not that bad either because normally functional cycts take care of themselves but because i seem to be the exception in every single situation they have sent me for some more scans.

I've had a blood test this morning which brought me to tears because since the meningitis my veins have gotten even worse then they were before so they ended up having to pin prick two of my fingers and slowly get the blood that way. In about half an hour i have to go and get a chest x-ray and a pelvic ct and then on wednesday i'll go back and see my GP and on thursday go and see a gyno. Like i don't see enough specialists, now i have to go and add gynocologist to the growing list! He'll probably arrange for laproscopic surgery to be performed so he can go in and see exactly what's going on but i'll find out more on thursday.

I'm tired of all of this. My fatigue syndrome is really starting to ease up and it doesn't have such a hold on me, i've had enough energy to do some small renovations to our house and i just feel like my body has let me down again. Seriously, who did i kill in a past life to deserve this - somebody important obviously!

I am surrounded by pregnant friends at the moment (8 in total!) and if that wasn't enough to upset me, knowing how much i would love to have another baby, now this. I would rather be told that i have mets on my spine or something like that then have something going on with my ovaries. Even the thought of losing them is making me cry again.

Anyway, I just had to have a vent and get it all out and hope that for once, things go normally and all of the tests are clear and nothing more needs to be done - fingers, toes, arms, legs and everything else that i can are crossed xxxxxxx

Breast Cancer Ball

 

On Friday night, the 10th of September 2010 my family and I attended the Illawara Illumination Ball to raise money for a cure for Breast Cancer. Although the tickets were expensive ($170.00 a ticket) the room was full and it was a great night.

I was asked to speak at the event and although i was really nervous about it initially, once i started to write my speech I felt a lot more comfortable about it and in the end I really enjoyed doing it. It felt great to get up on stage and speak from the heart about my cancer journey and to have my family and closest friends there made it even more special.

Here's some photos of the night and my speech -

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Good Evening Everyone,

My name is Sarah Crimmins and a year and a half ago my life was pretty normal. I was your average 28 year old with a beautiful 11 month old daughter, a wonderful husband, a dog and a mortgage.

But it turns out the lump i had been feeling on my left breast was not just a blocked milk duct from feeding my daughter, but something that would change our lives forever. I never would have thought that i'd be asking for a pair of nipples for my 30th birthday!

When you're first diagnosed, the thought of cancer and all of the treatment that you must go through to get past it is the most terrifying thing that you could think about. It's certainly not something that you can prepare yourself for, and each step is one that you have to take day by day, appointment by appointment and deal with the treatment one side effect at a time.

2009 may have been the worst year of my life but I’m here to tell the tale and that's all that matters. I'm here because of the fact that my cancer was detected early which is a similar story for my aunty who had just recently been diagnosed. It was because she was very vigilant with her mammograms (her husband had lost his mother to breast cancer a long time ago) that they picked up what they initially thought was a cluster of cells which turned out to be 4 times bigger than they originally thought.

We are both perfect examples of the importance of self examinations and regular mammograms.

I'll be honest with you though, this cancer journey sucks! There's not really any other way to put it. At the start of my journey i just kept thinking about how once the radiotherapy and then the reconstructions was over, I would be healthy and my life would go back to the way it was before.

But it's not that easy. One of the hardest lessons i've learnt through this is that it's just not that simple. I'm never going to be the same person i was before and neither will my wonderful husband, my twin sister and those closest to me.

The initial fear that i had of cancer has come and gone, but it's never going to go away. A headache is not just a headache anymore - it's the possibility of something else and it's scary as hell. You try not to assume the worst for something that could be so simple, but emotionally it's hard to shake that thought off.

I've been fortunate enough to have met 2 beautiful young ladies in similar situations to myself which has been a god-send. To have others that you can talk to that understand is absolutely invaluable and a vital part of getting through each day. You tend to automatically take out your frustration and anger on the person closest to you, and to have another means of being able to vent your feelings, by talking to those that truely understand how you feel is wonderful.

In addition to having a great support group, another vital part of getting through each day i found, was to try and stay positive as much as possible. It's hard at times, when you're at your lowest possible point - you're bald, tired, only have one boob and your 1 year old doesn't understand why mummy's too sick to play. But it's important to still try and smile each day even if it means having a laugh at your own expense. I remember one thing that used to make me giggle no matter what was the time Mat, Macy and I were on a car trip and Macy was really upset and we couldn't get her to stop crying - so i gave her my new 'boob' to play with. It kept her amused for hours and she loved it!

I wanted to take this opportunity to thank not only my family and friends that have helped me through the last year, but also to the wonderful people of the Illawara. Mat and I are so fortunate to have received support both emotionally and financially from everyone around us, even those we didn't know and seeing everyone here tonight, all fighting for a cure together is so heart-warming and I'm so proud to be here with you all tonight.

Over my little tantrum!

A few weeks ago when i wrote my last post I felt like i was losing it! I hated the world for a few days there and just couldn't stop myself feeling that way - i even had a few cigarettes around that time and i dont even smoke!!!

But I'm happy to say that i think i've snapped out of it because of the following;

• I've spent some time with my aunty irene and brought her her wig ready for when she starts to lose her hair so i think i feel a bit more 'organised' if that's the right word for her. I just needed to spend some time with her and chat about everything that she was going through and to re-assure the both of us that she's going to be ok and she'll get through it. Aunty Irene and Uncle Roger were asking me some questions about side effects that i had during chemo and stuff like that and i was fine to answer those questions but when they started to ask if they put my hands in ice and asking what they did for me when the chemo was going through, i couldn't answer them. I honestly thought i was going to throw up so i had to ask them to change the topic. The same thing happened the next day when i was talking to her daughter. I just couldnt put myself back there in the chemo chair, trying to remember it going through my system and what the nurses were doing. It's still too fresh in my mind.

• Another thing that happened is that I got my period! So out of the blue and unexpected but i'm definately glad that it came. My oncologist probably isn't going to be happy about it because i know that they would prefer for them to stay away for about 2 - 3 years but i've been on Tamoxifen for nearly a year and a half now so i feel its the best of both worlds. I hope that means i dont have to start having safe sex again because its been nice not having to worry about that ha ha ha. I'll tell my oncologist about my periods when i see her next but i'm not going to stress about it at the moment because she'll make me get a blood test and my veins are really bad at the moment after the issues with my arm. Anyway, i think all of the hormones with getting my periods etc were partly to blame for my meltdown too.

• Turns out my arm was so swollen and sore because i had a small blood clot! Seriously, anything that can happen does to me! It wasn't DVT though which is the main thing, it was a small clot in one of my surface veins so i'm just on some asprin for preventative measures and it all should be fine. The swelling has gone down a lot already and i've had 3 ultrasounds and it seems to be fixing itself which is great news. Out of any scan/test you can have i'm more than happy to have ultrasounds cause it doesn't involve a needle so bring them on i say!

• I was speaking to a friend of mine the other day (who was very supportive of me through my treatment) and she told me that her sister had recently been diagnosed with cancer of her sinus cavity which is an extremely rare cancer and very hard to treat. She was telling me that they had spent about $150,000.00 on her treatment already and had just indured a marathon 18 1/2 hour surgery to remove the tumor and give her a chance and as you can imagine it's been horrific for her and her whole family. Speaking to Laurelle about her sister was probably the main thing that snapped me out of my mood i think. Like she said, with breast cancer we can hide it on the days that we want to try and forget about it because people dont necessily have to know but with a cancer like her sisters, she can't and she's never going to be able to forget about it with being so disfigured by it. We've been through a hell of a lot with all the chemo and surgeries etc but she's right in that respect and made me appreciate how far i've come and where i'm at now.

So basically between all of these things, i think i've snapped out of my 'i hate the world' phase that i was in and i'm starting to feel much more like myself which is great. Good for my gorgeous Macy as well too.

Struggling......

I hate to admit it but i'm really struggling at the moment. I'm not even sure what it is that i'm struggling with, but it seems to be everything.

All through my treatment and even up until the reconstruction i was pretty positive and just got on with what i needed to but at the moment nothing seems to be easy. I hate sounding like such a sook and a whinger and that's how i feel i am all the time at the moment and i hate it. To go from being the one that was dealing with it all and now i really feel like i'm falling apart.

My aunty was recently diagnosed with Breast Cancer and i'm pretty close with her so it was hard to hear about her diagnosis. When she first told me though it was a pretty good outcome for her because they got it early and said that it was a cluster of cells and not even an actual lump yet so if she opted for a lumpectomy she wouldnt have to have chemo only radiotherapy, or if she opted for a mastectomy she wouldn't have to have any further treatment.

She opted for a mastectomy (which i was relieved with and thought she had made the right choice) and she found out after the surgery that it was lucky she had the mastectomy because it was a lump 4 times bigger than what they originally thought and she would've ended up having a mastectomy anyway.

Now they've decided that she has to have 4 rounds of chemo as well as the full 5 weeks of radio and it just breaks my heart that she has to go through all of this when she originally was told she wouldnt have to. She starts her first round of chemo tomorrow. All i can think about is how much i want to be there for her but she lives 3.5 hours away so it's not like i can just duck over to her house and see her but at the same time i think that maybe it's a good thing that we're not too close to each other because i think i'm really getting down and putting myself back in that situation. I know i shouldnt but it's hard not to.

I spoke to her alot before the surgery and i was really positive with her and just tried to make her laugh etc but at the same time was honest about all of the treatment etc but when i spoke to her just after the surgery i lost it. Knowing that she was in the hospital going through what i had been through a year before just broke me and i had to end the conversation pretty fast because i didn't want her to hear how upset i was. I figured she was going through a hard enough time she didn't need me crying to her on the other end of the line.

I think it's all snowballing from there. Now that i know shes starting chemo tomorrow i just keep thinking about her and how i can help etc but i'm getting myself in such a mess. Its like i'm back there a year ago trying to get everything organised for when i was about to go through it.

I dont really know what to do though. I really want to help her but i think i'm realising the hard way that i'm not far enough in my own journey to really be there like i want to be for her but it breaks my heart because i feel that if i don't keep trying to do things for her, that i'm going to let her down. I'm sure she doesn't feel that way, but i do.

The other issue is that i've got something weird going on with my right arm now. Like i need anything else to be happening seriously! I had all of my lymphnodes removed from my left arm but only one removed from my right (to test it) and because it was clear they didn't remove anymore from my right side but the weird thing is that the swelling is in my right arm and not my left. So none of my doctors know what the hell is going on and i have to go for more scans on thursday. Originally they thought that it might have been a DVT (Deep Vein Thrombosis) but thank god they came back clear so now they think that maybe the chemo has damaged my blood vessels and there's a clot or something happening. I'll find out on thursday and to be honest i just want it over with.

I want the bloody test to hurry up and be here so i can get on with it. Of course when i saw the lymphodema lady and my oncologist there was the mention of 'secondary' and that scared the absolute crap out of me. I had scans not that long ago and to think that there's a possibility of there being another tumor somewhere just broke me down. In my head i know that this is such a small chance, but in my heart i'm scared as hell that it could be.

At the start of my diagnosis i never once thought i was going to die or anything like that. Honestly, it didn't even enter my thoughts. To me it was a case of ok, this is what you've got and what you have to go through and then that will be it. But now i've learnt that this isn't the case at all. Once cancer comes into your life it's never going to go away.

You can't just go to any old doctor for something simple anymore. Everything is complicated. And i'm so sick of hearing the words 'only a small percentage of women have this' or 'that's strange, we'll have to look into this further'. Seriously!!!! If i'm so 'out of the ordinary' or 'special' and am in a small percentage of the population, why can't i win the lotto or have something spectacular happen like winning a house or a car or something fantastic!!!!

Everyone around me is having babies as well - my twin sister, my 2 sister-in-laws and a few friends. I couldn't be more surounded by babies if i tried. I've been really upset about the fact that i can't have another baby at the moment, despite the fact that my lovely little girl is going through the terrible twos but the weird thing is i think i got my period today. I'm not sure if that's what it is but i haven't had a bleed since i december (my reconstruction) which was a withdrawal bleed from the tamoxifen and then out of the blue today i think i've got them. I'm thinking it's maybe cause i'm stressed out? Hopefully not though, hopefully it's a good sign that my fertility is going to be ok.....crossing my fingers xxxxxx

Macy can be such a beautiful little thing but lately she's really pushing my buttons as well with being the 'terrible two's'. I know i shouldnt get frustrated with her but bloody hell it's hard sometimes. I hate it when she's testing me because with how i feel at the moment she's winning and that's making it even worse so on top of worrying about aunty irene and my health i feel like such a bad mother and this is probably the worst of it all. She's probably mucking up more because i'm distracted by all of this negative stuff going on around me and that's not fair on her.

I really need to sort my shit out but i don't even know where to start.....................

May 10' - Exchange Surgery

After the reconstruction surgery in December 09 i had to wait a minimum of 3 months before i could have the exchange surgery (removing the expanders and replacing them with permanent implants) so i decided to wait until after i was back and settled at work before having this surgery.

Again, to be honest the main thing i was worried about with this surgery was the same as the others - that they wouldn't be able to find a vein to put me to sleep! But I ended up having the same doctors etc as last time and she rememebered me and didn't even attempt to get one, she just arranged for them to put me to sleep in the operating room which was great and just what i needed to relax my nerves about the whole thing.

I knew that i would only be in hospital for one night with this surgery so to be honest i wasn't really worried about it at all. After all that i had been through, this really was going to be a walk in the park! The worst part about the day ended up being that i had to wait for hours before going in and when your not allowed to have any food or water I was one very grumpy girl by the time they took me down!

Immediately after the surgery when i woke all i can remember was having a really sore left shoulder and it wouldn't go away. So they gave me drugs to try and relax my muscles but i ended up in tears by the time Mat came in to see me and had to get him to rub it for me for ages to try and relieve the muscle pain. It must have been from the position they had me in during the surgery, which really shows how rough they must be with us when we're under and dead weight.

Once this pain settled down though i was pretty comfortable. My surgeon had used the same scars as last time to go in and replace the expanders so i knew that i wouldnt be able to feel pain from the incisions themselves because i'm numb on my breasts but he had re-positioned the implants so they were in a much better spot than the expanders were in so i had quite a lot of swelling and pain in the middle of my chest where i wasn't numb. As normal though i just made sure to stay on top of the pain with diagesic and panadol and it was fine.

During my other hospital stays my blood pressure was always really low and i found myself always feeling faint and quite weak but after this surgery for some reason my blood pressure was really good and i got up first thing the next morning and had a shower and got dressed and was ready to go home. Unfortunately i had to wait for hours until everything was organised for me to go, but it was a nice to have woken up feeling a bit stronger for a change.

The bra that he put on my after the surgery was pretty comfortable because it was quite tight so made me feel more secure i guess but i stopped wearing it after about 2 weeks and swapped to wireless bras mostly because the post op one was so big/high that you could see it under anything that i wore. Even now (2 months after the operation) i find that if i don't wear a bra for about 2 days my boobs get quite sore. My surgeon told me i had to start wearing bras and i believe him now. Actually his words were 'i'm giving you perky boobs so i want you to keep them that way, which means wearing a bra!' lol

Anyway, here's some photo's -

This was just before the surgery. As you can see the expanders were pretty far apart (6cm) so his plan was to bring them in closer (3cm) and also my right side expander was sitting in a different position so he had to do a lot more adjusting on this side (which is why you can see the extra texta marks).

The next 3 photos are the day after the surgery. I had waterproof dressings on them but took these photos when my Dr had taken them off to check out everything. I was really swollen for the first 2 weeks which is why they look huge in the first photo! Its amazing to think that he had just cut me open again and you can't even really tell. The middle photo shows my incision on the bottom of my breast (as he went through the original Lat dorsi incision) and the last photo shows where he went back in through the original mastectomy line and the bottom half of where my nipple used to be. Again he used the disolvable stitches but he also used some normal stitches on my right side just to give it a little bit more support. He took these out on my post op visit 2 weeks later.

My right side looks great (the left when youre looking straight at it in the photo) and it's my favourite ha ha ha but my left side isn't so good. It was never going to be as good though and i knew this so i just have to be happy with what he's been able to give me. There's a lump under my left armpit (i.e. the top of my left breast) which is the lat dorsi muscle from the reconstruction and my surgeon said that it should go down over the next 12 months of so and if it doesn't he'll try and reduce it for me so once this is fixed (either by itself or with help) i'll be even happier.

My left breast still has a little bit more 'settling' to do, and i wish that they were a bit closer together but overall i'm happy - I have 2 cancer free boobs so what more can i ask for i guess.

Thank you!!!!

When my father in law organised my fundraiser, he arranged for a short story to be in the Illawara Mercury to get the awareness out there about a 'young woman with breast cancer' as well as about the fundraiser. So, once all of my surgeries etc were over i really wanted to say a big thank you to everyone that came and contributed to the fundraiser, as it was only because of them that i was able to have my surgeries.

Unfortunately the Mercury put their own spin on the story and basically just wrote what they wanted and didn't publish the thank you that i wanted which i was really dissappointed and a bit cranky about.

So, here's what i had originally wanted in the article -

To whom it May Concern,

I am writing to ask for a thank you note to be published in the Illawara Mercury. In May of last year you published a story in relation to my fight with Breast Cancer and the benefit night that my father in law (Michael Crimmins) organised in order to raise funds for the McGrath Foundation as well as for my operations, cancer treatment and to enable me to be off work.

I am so sorry for the delay in sending this through however directly after the benefit night I had my last round of chemo, radiotherapy, I contracted Meningitis and then had my reconstruction surgery. All of that has taken me up until now.

I have just started back to work and have recovered from my reconstruction surgery (although i still have a few more surgeries to go they are nothing like what i've already been through) and I sincerely wanted to thank everyone that has helped me through this crazy time in my life.

I want to thank the business of the Illawara, the Illawara Tech Tahs, the Fraternity Club, South Sydney Rugby League Football Club and all of the ongoing support from our family and friends. It's because of you that I was able to go ahead and have my reconstruction surgery last year as well as have this time off work which allowed me to spend some much needed quality time with my husband Mat, and our daughter, Macy.

During my experience I found it hard to find personal stories and photographs from women the same age as me (I was only 28 when diagnosed) and in particular the struggles that we go through of not only the cancer treatment but of being a young mum as well. Because of this I am in the process of setting up a blog (sarahsbreastcancerstory.blogspot.com) which I hope other young mum's out there going through cancer treatment may find helpful.

The love and support that I have received from the people of the Illawara over the last year has been overwhelming and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I always thought that I was a positive person and having gone through this, it has made me realise that it really is the only way you can get through it. There are so many people out that that will love and support you, no matter how bald and lop sided you are :-)

Sincerely,
Sarah Crimmins

May 10' - Field of Women

As a weekend trip away for just the two of us we decided to go to Melbourne and attend the 'Field of Women' put on by the Breast Cancer Network of Australia. It was wonderful!

Honestly I wasn't sure what to expect from it but it was much more than i thought it would be!

We initially sat toward the back, under the cover and it didn't feel right. I wanted to be much more involved so we went down toward the front and right amongst everyone else and it felt wonderful to be surrounded by all that pink (and a bit of blue to represent all of the men that get Breast Cancer). I nearly started crying from the moment we sat down but i had to stop myself because i figured i'd be a complete mess by the time we got onto the field.



Once we were all on the field, we turned on our lights and at one stage the presenter asking for all of the breast cancer survivors to raise their hands and i finally lost it then! Even Mat was crying at that stage. It felt great and i can't really explain why it was so emotional, but it just was and to have shared it with Mat was just what we needed as a couple.



Thank you to the BCNA for putting it together!

Our Partners

My goodness, what can i say about this topic........there is so much to talk about.....

I don't know how other partners have handled their diagnosis and treatment but i think my husband has coped with it in a way that most men do with the feeling of 'reluctant to seek help for themselves because they feel they need to be ‘strong’ for us. Does that sound familiar?

Well that's just how my husband coped with it. At times i found this a bit frustrating because i needed to see that he was affected by it as well because it sometimes i felt like he was being a bit too strong if that makes sense. I could cry at the drop of a hat, but yet i never saw him cry....how could that be? It took a few months of me being sick before.... well i guess you could say 'before the shit hit the fan!'.

At the start of chemo i tried to be strong and was a bit stubborn when it came to the medication and Mat was great with convincing me to take what i needed to take etc but i always felt like everyone else (family, friends etc) allowed me to be sick when i was with them, but that Mat didn't. Most would make sure that i ate something or if my sister was over and i looked tired she would take both our daughters out into the backyard and tell me to go to bed for a few hours which was just what i needed. But when mat was home he never said anything and i used to feel like i still had to do everything that i normally would. Or during chemo i remember that i used to feel much worse if i allowed myself to get hungry so i had to eat regularly but i never knew what i wanted to eat so i'd whinge to mat and ask him to get me something, but i couldn't tell him what i wanted and he found that really difficult and frustrating.

I'm lucky that he is quite domestic and did help around the house a lot, much more than a lot of husbands that i know of, but at times i needed more help from him and he just didn't have it in him. He had not only a sick wife to think and worry about, but our 2 year old daughter as well.

When radio finished i think we both thought that i would start to feel better straight away and when that didn't happen we started to fight a bit. I was frustrated at my body because i was still so tired and i was sick of being sick and Mat was starting to get frustrated at me being tired and grumpy as well.

By the time the meningitis came, that was it really! I would have to say that this was the hardest time that we have ever gone through in our 11 years together. Neither of us had any reserves left in our emergency tanks and we just weren't getting enough time to refil them. So we fought a lot when i got home from hospital because we were taking 10 steps backwards and no steps forward.

I remember i got home from hospital a few days before melbourne cup and mat had planned to go out with his mates to get away from everything on Melbourne Cup day, and because i was home he thought that i was fine and went along to his thing. My girlfriends came over to be with me and to help with Macy and it was a nice day but i was exhausted. I still had the unbelievably bad migraines and they allowed me to just chill out and hang with them which was great but the time came for them to go home and mat still wasnt home. I called him to see when he was coming home and he was so upset with me for asking because he felt like he needed a day off. Macy ended up going home with a girlfriend of mine for a few hours so i could sleep because of my migraine and it was so frustrating for the both of us because i still needed him, but he needed a break as well.

After this episode we finally talked and i had to let him know that i still really need him and to please bear with me and understand that i'm not going to be like this forever and it will stop soon and i'll be back to being 'me' but i couldnt get there without his help. It had gotten to the stage where i was going to go and stay at my parents house after my reconstruction surgery because i didnt think that mat would be able to handle both macy and i as this surgery was going to be the hardest yet but after this chat that we had, i think we ended up on the same page and Mat was wonderful with everything.

So we went from the middle of chemo, thinking i was going to have to deal with a divorce at the same time as cancer treatment, to realising that he is my everything and i can't get through anything without him.

On the National Breast and Ovarian Cancer Centre website (www.nbocc.org.au), there's a section called Information for men whose partners have been diagnosed with breast cancer and it covers things such as;

• What she might be feeling
• How do you feel? Typical feelings when a partner is diagnosed with breast cancer
• Sexuality and intimacy
• Impact of a breast cancer diagnosis on kids
• Knowing what to say
• Help her by helping yourself
• Healing strategies
• Where to find support

Everyone deals with it in such different ways but ultimately I can't imagine having to have gone through this without him. Once we realised that it wasn't each other that we found frustrating, it was the situation we were in and the sickness and surgeries will stop eventually and we had to just hang in there.

Services Available

Suprisingly, with all of the information that we are handed at the inital stage of our diagnosis, there are a lot of services available that I had no idea about!

Some that i have learnt about are -

Southern Cross Community Healthcare - Through them i was able to have a cleaner come to my house once a week and help me with the housework. I can't tell you how great this was. Mat was great with helping around the house and all but with me sick and tired, and Macy being a normal messy 2 year old it was really hard to stay on top of things. When your a house proud person (as i am) it's frustrating to be sitting there looking at all of the things around the house that you need/want to do but you just arent well enough to do them. Unfortunately i didnt find out about them until just after i finished chemo however they helped a great deal through radio, the meningitis and then my reconstruction. Just having Robyn vaccum and mop the floors and do the dusting was an enourmous help. Their number is 1800 989 000.

Cancer Helpline - I did get a flyer about them in my first little 'So you have cancer....' pack but to be honest i didn't really think that much of it. It wasn't until later that my sister told me about a service they have whereby you can give them a call and ask them to put you in contact with someone your age that lives in your area and going through a similar thing. I was lucky and the nurse at my oncologist office put me in contact with Vanessa, who was all of those things for me, however for those of you that need this, call the Cancer Helpline on 13 11 20.

Support Groups - I knew that there was support groups around however at my age (28 at diagnosis) none of the support groups really suited me. To be honest i still haven't really found a 'support group' as such as does, however Vanessa, Dee and I have developed our own little informal support group as we all live in the same area. If anyone reading this lives in the Wollongong area, please send me an email (scrimmins@live.com.au) cause we'd love to have you join our little coffee sessions. For those interested in a normal Breast Cancer Support Group, there is an 'Illawara Support Group' which have meetings in Kiama, Warilla (both day meetings) and Wollongong - the last Tuesday in the month at the Congreational Church in Market street at 7.30. Anne Kershaw runs it and her number is 42842001.

The Young Women Support Group is organised by Lisa Athanassapoulos (02) 4226 6563 and is held on the 2nd Friday evening of each month at local restaurants. Vanessa, Dee and I attended this meeting once and it was lovely to meet all of the ladies from the support group however to be honest it wasn't what i was looking for so haven't attended since. I was needing to speak to women around my age who were going through the struggles with having a young child through the treatment, as well as the possilbity that we may not be able to have more/any children and the women at the support group were much older than me and had finished their families.

Aussie Breast Cancer Forum - This site is great because you can go on there whenever you want and participate as much or as little as you'd like but at the same time get an insight into what others are feeling and going through at the same time. The website address is www.bcaus.org.au.

Otis Foundation - As mentioned earlier in my blog this is wonderful! Basically the Otis retreats offer time out to relax, reconnect and regroup for those struggling with the challenges that come alongside serious illness. Each has been hand chosen for its location, in a beautiful environment which allows guests to draw on nature for strength and comfort. Partners, family members and friends are welcome to stay but often those who call on The Otis Foundation are looking for solitude or quality time with only those closest to them.

There are some more listed on my blog under the heading 'Useful Links' and there are probably a whole lot more than what i've put on here so if anyone reading this has more suggestions for me to add, please let me know.

March 10' - Work and Scans

Before i got sick i was a very work orientated person. I worked my butt off before i had Macy and was back at work partime 4 months after i had her and was working 3 days a week when i was diagnosed.

Initially when i was first diagnosed I thought that i would still be able to work through my treatment, but that i would just have to cut back and looking back on it now I wonder what in the hell i was thinking!

I really didn't realise how much my life was going to change when i was first diagnosed and it wasn't until i had an appointment with my oncologist and she told me what treatment i was going to have and then she wrote out a medical certificate for me for 6 months. I told her that i was still planning on working a bit and she said that i would be crazy to even try to. Between the robust treatment she was going to be giving me and also having a 1 year old, she said no way, i'd end up with Chronic Fatigue syndrome if i did. So i left that appointment an absolute mess. It took until then for me to realise how much my life was going to change. No work for at least 6 months - i couldn't comprehend it!

So through Chemo i obviously took her advice and didn't work and there's no way that i could have with Macy as well. I only had 1 good week out of 3 and I spent that time taking macy to the park and resting, getting ready for the next chemo.

Still though during this, i thought to myself, okay so i can't work during chemo, i'll definately be able to work through radiotherapy and i told my boss that that was the plan and i'd see how i go leading up to it.

Radiotherapy came and I was still exhausted and needing to have a sleep through the day so i realised that i'd be crazy to work through that as well. By the time the radiotherapy had finished and it took a few weeks for my burns to heal, I'd had 10 months off work and now too nervous about going back. My brain wasn't working properly and i felt like i was in a fog of some sort for a long time and i just didn't see by then how i could work when i couldn't even remember my appointments. But I felt bad telling my boss this. She had been so supportive all through my treatment but i also knew that they were busy and it would help them if i went back to work as soon as i could but i just couldn't bring myself to go yet. I needed time after all of the treatments stopped to just, i don't know, relax, clean the house now that i had some energy and get Macy to like me again!

Once i booked in my reconstruction surgery i decided that i wouldn't go back to work until the surgery, this would give me a bit less than 2 months to do those things that i wanted to do but then i got meningitis and the reconstruction was pushed back so i ended up being off work for a lot longer than i had ever planned.

Financially we were lucky because the money raised at the fundraiser had allowed me to be off work but with the huge costs of my reconstruction surgery, the money was gone. I had no choice but to go back to work as soon as i could after the surgery and now that i've started back i'm really enjoying it. To me, it is the symbol of normality and that we're starting to get our lives back.

So i went back to work for 3 full days a week, at the end of March this year and only 5 weeks later i've already had to cut back to 2 days week instead. I found that on my days at work i felt fine but on my days off i was exhausted. Work was taking up all of my energy and not leaving me any for Macy, Mat, the housework or anything else. I was back to feeling how i felt during radio and I didn't want to be there again.

I told my oncologist about how tired i was and she was concerned about it so sent me for a CT scan and a bone scan and to be honest this scared the crap out of me! I hated the thought of them having to find my veins again because of how bad they are and i immediately thought the worst. I wasn't so worried about the CT scan because i'd had one back in october with the meningitis and it was clear but i hadn't had a bone scan yet so i was nervous that this was going to come back bad. BUT i'm very happy to say that just on thursday i found out that both were clear - no cancer anywhere WHOOOOOOO!

But this didn't explain my fatigue. If theres no more cancer, why the hell am i so tired again? My oncologist diagnosed me with Fatigue Syndrome caused by the chemo. It will go away (may take up to 12 months) but in the meantime i have to 'give myself a break' as she said which is the reason i've cut back to 2 days a week. With what our bodies have been through, and having a 2 year old at the same time, work is the only thing that could give.

If i didn't have Macy I think that i would have worked a bit throughout the treatment and i admire those of you out there that can work throughout the treatment but I'd definately say that if you can afford not to work, don't. Spend that time doing something you enjoy and being nice to your body (make good meals, juices etc).

March 10' - Bali

Before i'd even had my reconconstruction surgery we knew that we needed to plan a holiday to help us to get over such a crappy year. So we organised to go to Bali. It was one of the best things we could have done. I feel guilty that we spent money which i would have made our life more comfortable later in the year, but it really was just what we needed at the time, so really the money doesn't matter.

Originally it was going to be just Mat, Macy and I but all of a sudden we found it becoming a 'Crimmins' holiday which was even better! I was so nervous and scarred about going back to work so it was a great way to get my mind off it and just forget about everything, especially the cancer. So the holiday was booked for March 2010. This would give me plenty of time to recover from my surgery and have a good holiday before heading back to work at the end of the month.

The place we stayed at was unbelievable - Villa Anggrek in Seminyak (picture below left is of our own private pool!) and it gave us the opportunity to spend a lot of time with mat's family. I must admit though, travelling with a 2 year old was not fun! Macy was still a bit funny with me and not really listening to what i'd say and not even really wanting to play with me or anything which was really upsetting. I guess she'd gotten way to used to me being sick and not able to pick her up or being too tired to be the 'fun one' so Bali was a bit of a struggle in that regard.

Mat organised for just the two of us to spend 2 nights in Ubud which was lovely. It really was like a second honeymoon and just what we needed. I'm not saying our sex life was nonexistent or anything but it certainly wasn't at its peak during the past year that's for sure. So this was a good way for us to reconnect i guess.

I had to be careful of my new scars while we were over there and with my skin i'm pretty careful about getting burnt but i was putting sunscreen on all the time because i had to be extra vigilant about not getting burnt. I found myself the perfect swimsuit which was a strapless one piece with a high back so it covered all of my scars. This meant i didn't feel selfconscious at all and i didnt have to worry about it getting burnt. I was dissapointed that i couldnt wear bikinis all the time though because finally for the first time in my life i have big boobs, but the scars on my back meant i shouldnt wear them (on the cloudy, less sunny days i wore one for a little while though :-).

Another great thing that i found on the holiday was that my energy levels were quite high toward the end of the trip and that felt fantastic. It went straight back to normal once we were home but while it lastest, it was great!!

Anyway, the purpose of this section of the blog is to put in your mind the idea of a holiday. During chemo my sister and brother in law took me away for the weekend which was great, but it was still hard because i didn't want them to have to look after macy for me but at the same time i was too sick to do all of it. But it was nice to have a change of scenery.

After the meningitis we went away for 3 nights just to re-coup and again, just to get away from everything but the holiday to Bali was fantastic and just what we needed. For months beforehand we had that to look forward to and it was worth every penny. Just recently i've learnt about a place called the Otis Foundation (www.otisfoundation.org.au) which is free accommodation for those with Breast Cancer needing to get away. I wish i had know about this earlier as i would have used it for sure but for those of you reading this, jump onto their website and get in contact with them! Get away when you can with those closest to you that you may be feeling at a bit of distance with. It will help with clearing your mind and allowing you to concentrate on the most important thing at the moment - you!

Think of the Positives

I've always considered myself a pretty positive person and even at the start of my chemo i still felt that way. But to be honest, one of my main struggles, along with being sick for the past 15months, has been the struggle to maintain that positive attitude. It's hard to look at yourself in the mirror each day when you're at your worst and your bald, tired and only have one boob, and still smile each day.

But, I'm proud to say that i did that, and the reason for that is because of all of the support that i received, in particular from Mat and Macy, that I can still smile each day and have a laugh at my own expense.

So even on my worst days (which are over now I hope!) I still tried to think of something to get me through.

Some of my favourite things were -

1. Not having to worry about doing your hair each morning
2. In the middle of winter, just when i thought it was really cold, a hot flush would come along and warm me right up!
3. Not having to wax or shave
4. Chemo brain is a legitimate excuse for all the things i forgot and the silly things i would constantly say
5. The money i saved on not having to get my hair done
6. If a meal wasn't that great, it didn't matter because i couldn't taste it anyway
7. I had a great excuse to get out of an invitation if i didn't want to go
8. When people make promises to someone with cancer, they tend to stick to them!
9. Even my friends were too scared to bag out 'chemo girl'
10. People always tell you how good you look when you have cancer, but never how bad
11. Getting bigger and better boobs at the end of it all
12. Getting a break from the housework
13. My house always smelt awesome from all of the flowers that I received

January 10' - Infills

I was actually pretty excited about the infills to be honest. I was nervous about whether it would hurt or not but still excited to be getting bigger boobs. The expanders have a 'port' in them which the dr uses to pushes a thick needle through to inflate the expanders with saline. It didn't hurt at all because my boobs are completely numb anyway so for once it was a 'nice' appointment where although i was still getting a needle (i've started to develope a bit of a fear of needles) it didn't hurt, and i got bigger boobs. What more could you ask for!

Here is a photo before the first infil. My surgeon put a little bit of saline into my expanders during the surgery so i would have some shape from the beginning which i was excited about because initally he told me he wasn't going to put any in.

These are after the first infil of 100cc's. As you can see my right side is smaller than my left because he didn't put as much saline into this side originally because i had a larger lat-flap on that side but it wasn't really noticable until after this infil.

All up I had 3 infills a week apart. My dr fixed the asymmetry at the second infil. Although the actual procedure of the infil doesn't hurt, the skin is still very stretched and feels really tight for about 2 days after each infil but nothing major. I think at worst i took panadol once after my second infil but otherwise it wasn't too bad.

These photos were taken after my last infil and shows the size i am at the moment. They're definately not the nicest shape at the moment, but as my dr said it's just to get the skin stretched to the size i want to be, and we'll worry about the shape etc at the exhange surgery which is on the 27th of May. I'm quite excited about it actually as i know it's going to feel a lot more confortable then they do now which will be great. Also he is going to fix my cleavage for me as well (all i've ever wanted is a nice cleavage!) because the expanders are too far apart so when he puts the implants in he's going to bring them closer. You can see the scar on my back in the side on shot as well.

December 09 - January 2010, Reconstruction

It finally came! I'd been waiting for a whole year for this - to have 2 boobs again! I was scared shitless but also excited about the end result.

To be honest to start with all i was nervous about on the day was the fact that they would have to try and find a vein to put me to sleep. I had a great anatheasologist (again with the bad spelling sorry!) who listened to me and didn't attempt to dig around and find a vein and i was so grateful for that because everyone else up to that point had stuffed me around and it really put my mind at ease.

I woke up with the morphine drip and another central line in. I was going to have to have antiobiotics for a few days so they needed to have access to my veins. To begin with I wasn't in too much pain but it was just the fact that there were 2 drains on either side of me, my back was sore and so was my chest so that didn't really leave much that was comfortable at the time!

The first thing i remember is how sore my back was. I kept thinking this for a few days, especially where my bottom left side drain was and i couldn't really understand why it was so sore there as i thought that my scars on my back were a lot higher and smaller than how they felt. It wasn't until the second or third day when my doctor was changing my dressings and mat was in the room and he saw for the first time what they looked like that we realised why i was so sore. Mat actually said 'oh shit' when he first took the dressings off because he wasn't expecting it either.

The first photo below is the one that he took for me so i could see what he was talking about. Because i have a small back they couldn't do it across my bra line (which is where i thought they were going to take the skin/muscle from). The second is to show you the drains hanging from the side of the bed (there were 2 on each sides).



The picture on the left is one day after the surgery and the second photo is only on the third day. The dressings were put back on but i was really suprised at how clean they were immediately after the surgery.



The hardest part is getting used to the fact that you have a foreign object on your chest. It hurts to even try and sit up right because you have the expanders on your chest wall that move slightly and its really uncomfortable. I'm used to them now but at the start it was really uncomfortable.

A few tips for anyone about to go through the same thing -

- Don't be a pushover when it comes to the nurses. Most of mine were absolutely lovely but that wasn't the point! I wish i was a bit tougher at times. The first day i had a catheta (spelling again, i know!) in but then they took it out and wouldn't let me get up to go to the toilet yet so for 2 days i had to use a bed pan and there were quite a few occassions where they left me sitting on it for a while and i was in pain trying to hold myself up, waiting for them to come back. Be tough and if this happens to you, next time make sure that you ask them to stay in the room or whatever you need to do to make sure this doesn't happen to you because it sucks!
- When you first get out of surgery and you have the morphine drip use it the minute you feel pain. I was a bit stubborn to start with and had a lot more pain than i should have if i'd used the drip as much as i should have.
- The same thing applies for when they take you off the morphine drip. Don't let the pain get out of control because it may take hours to get it under control again. I remember asking for pain relief one time and the nurse didn't come and give it to me for over an hour and by the time she came i was in so much pain that i was crying and rocking from the pain. It then took me the next few hours of being like this until it got under control again. It's hard though you don't want to sound like a drugo asking for more medication (that's how i felt anyway) but if you need it, you need, there's no if's or but's about it.
- They will give you some tablets to make sure you don't get constipated but don't take them if you don't need them. These are the tablets that you can refuse if you don't need them. Otherwise if you just take them anyway you'll end up with a sore stomach and will be on the toilet a lot more than you need to be which is not good because every time you get up you have to put your drains in a bag (all 4 of them!) and getting up in painful for the first week at least!
- Get plenty of rest. Thankgod for visiting hours. The first few days i fell asleep all the time and you need to just let your body do it when it needs to.
- Try and move around as much as you can. Don't push yourself too much but if you can, get up and use the toilet and have a shower as soon as you're feeling up to it and try and walk around the hospital (even if it's just to the end of the hall) whenever your feeling strong enough but also make sure that you have someone there to hold onto just in case. I used to go out the front with Mat when he'd come and visit and getting that little bit of sun when i was feeling strong enough was wonderful and really lifted my spirits. There was a few times that I went outside though and pushed myself a bit too far though so just be careful.

Here's a photo that mat took on one of those occassions where i couldn't even stand long enough to wait for the lift! It's the worst photo i've ever had and i look like i'm at death's door but really it's just that my blood pressure was playing up and i pushed myself just a bit too much.



The other photo above was taken when i just got home from hospital. The normal recovery time is 7-10 days and generally you can go home as soon as your dr can take the last 2 drains out (when the fluid gets down to 30ml). For the first 4 days i was on track with everything and my fluid seemed to be reducing so i was hopeful that i would come home after about 8 days but my nurse noticed a red spot on my left breast and although it was red already from the radiotherapy, it was getting worse. So from there i went downhill. The drain on my left side stopped working and the fluid was building up inside and it caused an infection. The good thing was that my breasts were healing fantastic but my back wasn't.

There was a build up of fluid on the right side of my back as well (which you can see in the photo above) but that was normal and went away after about 6 weeks (it was pretty grose to touch actually cause it was like a waterbed and all squishy) but the fluid on my left side (where my drain had stopped working) needed to come out and it ended up finding its way out via my scar. It was leaking that much that i had to have the bags put on (photo above) to catch all of the fluid and it added about 2-3 weeks to my recovery. So instead of being in hospital for 7-10 days i was stuck in there for 14 days and only got home on Christmas eve because i pushed the dr to let me go. I wasn't going to spend christmas eve in hospital on my own when i had a 2 year old at home waiting for Santa.

The recovery at home was pretty hard. You find yourself doing a lot more when you get home and although everyone tells you not to do anything when you get home, its not really practical. Macy still needed her nappies changed and her clothes washed etc so i had no choice really. Mat was lucky enough to get a week off work when i was in hospital and i really wanted him to spend as much time as he could with Macy while i was in there but she ended up spending a lot of time at his aunties house (she loves it there) so that he could be with me. I think we both really needed each other. He hated to see me like i was and i hated being away from both of them and lets be honest hospital is a really boring place for kids so he brought macy up to see me twice and she was going crazy after only an hour each time so although i missed her like crazy, it wasn't practical to have her up there (as well as the 1 hour trip up and back to the hospital).

Here's some photos of my back scars, 8 months after. I've definately seen better scars on others but oh well. My surgeon said he might be able to revise the one on my left side at my next surgery so hopefully he can.

October - November 09, Bacterial Meningitis

Just when I was starting to feel really good and had booked the date for my reconstruction surgery in, it all fell to pieces.

At first i thought i had slept funny one night because i woke up with a really sore neck. On top of that I got a really bad headache and it didn't go away, no matter what i did. Then it progressed to a sore neck and a migraine and Panadine Forte wasn't even touching the sides. I had to ring my mum when Mat was at work to ask her to help me with Macy because I couldn't even handle having my eyes open let alone caring for Macy. I really did just think that I had done something to my neck and if i could fix that, my migraine would go away. But by the time my sister came over that afternoon she was worried and called my Dr who ended up arranging for us to go straight to the hospital.

They thought it was meningitis to start with however there were concerns that possibly it was cancer again because the reason my neck was so sore was because my lymphnodes in my neck were so swollen and inflamed. Because of this they called my oncologist up to the hospital and she was really worried, which of course made me really worried. I decided that as long as the results come back negative for further cancer, i could handle anything. Luckily, they came back negative.

Some doctors said that i probably got it because my immune system was still low but other doctors said that it should have been back to normal by then because it had been a few months so it was a bit of a mystery as to why i got it. I wonder if any other cancer patients get it after treatment though?

I had booked my reconstruction surgery in for the start of November but because of the meningitis my doctors decided that i wouldn't be fit enough to have it so it was postponned for a month. I was really upset at the time because i had prepared myself emotionally to have the surgery and then i was going to have to wait another month before i could have it. Luckily they did this though because it took me at least a month to get over the effects of the meningitis. It was hard because i really had just started to feel better each day and i even had some days where i wasn't needing to have a sleep through the day which was a big deal, but then once I got the meningitis i was knocked back down even harder.

I was in hospital for 8 days and because i couldn't stand the light or any noise I only asked Mat to bring Macy up once to see me. Once again we had to rely on the help of family and friends while i was in hospital and mat was trying to take care of me and macy at the same time. My family read up about the meningitis on the internet and they all said that they had to stop reading because it was that bad - 20% of people die from it. After all that i'd been through, we couldn't believe that meningitis may be the one to get me. I had one really bad night when my dad was sitting with me up in the hospital (god love him, he was wonderful through all my surgeries) and i looked at him and just told him that i wanted it to stop. I didn't want to keep fighting anymore, i'd had enough. My temperature was at 40 degrees, my blood pressure kept dropping right down, endone's weren't taking the pain away from my head and i couldn't open my eyes from the light. I'd been through enough and at that moment, it was all too much. If i had been given a chance to make it all stop then, i would have taken it. But I didn't have that option, so i just had to keep going and deal with it.

Because of all of the blood test and chemo etc that i'd had to have so far for my treatments, my veins were really bad and hard to access. I couldn't use my left arm because of the mastectomy so i only had one tiny vein in my right arm to use which was useless. I had to have a central line put in which was agonising! The worst experience i had gone through to date. They let me go home with the central line still in so that i could continue with the antibiotics for another week. So just like the mastectomy when i had the drains coming out of my chest, this time i had tubes out of my neck and antiobiotics going through my system 24/7.

I went through another bad stage for a few weeks when i got home and just before my reconstruction surgery. It was just like after the cancer treatment had finished and i had to let my mind catch up with what my body had just been through. It was scary to listen to my doctors tell me how close i came to dying and i didn't really know how to handle it. It was good that I had my reconstruction surgery booked in for December because I had until then to sort myself out, rest and get my energy back and prepare myself mentally for the biggest operation that i would ever go through.

To help with this Mat decided that we needed to get away. The meningitis had scarred the crap out of him as well, knowing we'd come so close to losing each other and I was upset because i had missed out on a lot of time with Macy again. So we went away for a few days to Cronulla which was just what we needed. Mat and I went through a really bad stage when i got home from the hospital. We had both had enough and we were both running on empty and neither of us had any reserves left so we took it out on each other. I was still sick so expected a lot from mat when it came to helping with Macy but he needed a rest from it all as well. Going away for a few days helped us to get away from everything and just spend some time together and it's just what we needed to help us get back on track.

My worst stage was after the radio finished but for mat through this whole experience, his was after the meningitis. We were arguing a lot because I was still sick and grumpy and we were both just so over it all! I had to tell Mat that i needed him to push through and be there for me and put up with me being sick for just a bit longer to get us through the next big operation and then once this next one is over, that's it, he'll have his wife back because up until then, he'd had close to a year without his wife really (as hard as it is to say).

Before I could go ahead with my reconstruction surgery I had to speak to another psychologist to ensure that she thought i was emotionally fit enough to go through with it. And to be honest i'm glad that I had to do that because Mat ended up coming into the session with me and we both got to vent about how hard it had all been and it helped us to get back onto the same page as each other. Mat was going through this process as well and although i was the one that had to put up with all of the sickness and the pain, he was still going through it just as much as i was emotionally.

August - September 09, So very tired!

I can't believe how tired i was during this time! Although I was in a good routine when i was going through radiotherapy of going to the gym and sleeping when Macy did, this stopped around mid August because i just couldn't motivate myself to go anymore.

I was utterly lost.

I have never felt anything like it before in my life. For the past 9 months my life had been about appointments, being sick and sleeping basically and now that the formal treatment plan was over I didn't know what to do with myself. I read this from others on the internet, that they felt the same way around this time as well. I've never been depressed and never thought that i had the type of personality to get depressed but I would say that at this time of my life I was.

I was taking tamoxifen and had started taking Efexor for the hot flushes which is also a very mild anti-depressant so you'd think that this would have helped with my mood around this time but it didn't. I remember going out for dinner with Mat and after a few beers I really opened up about how i was feeling at the time and he was really shocked. He said to me 'how can you possibly feel worse now than you did back in december when you were diagnosed?' and all i could tell him was that I was, and much worse.

When you're first diagnosed its all so surreal and you're so busy with appointments and making decisions and just getting through each day that for me I found that i didn't have time to be depressed. I had too many other things to think about.....who was going to help me with Macy when Mat was at work, when's my next appointment with my oncologist etc etc etc.

But after all of the treatment finished I didn't have to worry about that anymore but yet I still felt quite sick and was just constantly tired. I was so angry at my body around then because all i wanted to do was sleep and i kept thinking, come on already i'm over this feeling, give me something new!

The other thing that's hard to deal with as well is that everyone around you automatically thinks that now that your treatment has finished, you must be all better now and life will get back to normal. But it doesn't happen that way.

We've just been through the biggest thing in our lives and just because we're no longer getting poisined (can't spell sorry!) by chemo and radio it doesn't mean that we're all better now. During chemo i kept saying to myself that i would go back to work a week or two after radiotherapy finished because 'i'd be ok by then!' Yeah right! I'm so glad that i allowed myself this time between the radiotherapy and my planned reconstruction to just let my mind catch up with what i'd just been through.

After I spoke to Mat that night and let him know how I was really feeling I arranged to go and see a psychologist to get it all off my chest. I couldn't get in until the following week and by then I was feeling a bit better but it still helped to go and have a chat to someone who doesn't know you, but deals with this sort of thing everyday and it was good to have a cry to her about how crappy i was feeling. She let me know that it's totally natural what i was feeling and that others often feel the same way. Like she said 'sympathy doesn't last very long' so we need to understand that it's easier for others to move on quickly but not so easy for us. We need to just let our minds catch up with what we've been through, and vent/cry when we need to about it.

June - July 09, Radiotherapy

Radiotherapy is definately easier than chemo but still hard in it's own way. For some radio is a bit of a breeze because they don't get burns however they still get tired but for me I got both.

I had to have 25 sessions of radiotherapy and it was 6 days a week for 5 weeks which is pretty much the same as everyone i think. It became my new full time job basically because I had to get macy and i organised, drop macy off at my mum's or mat's aunties house, go to radio and be there for anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour and a half, pick macy up and then go home so she could have a sleep. Once we got into the swing of it it was ok but it pretty much takes up your whole morning and then you're too tired to do anything else.

For me, I got into the routine of dropping macy off, going to the gym, going to radio, picking macy up, grabbing something for dinner that night and then going home and both macy and i would go to sleep for about 2 hours. I found that if i didn't allow myself time to have that sleep though i was a mess. It wasn't a case of just sleep because you can, I really needed it and without it I found that i just couldn't really function.

Other than the tiredness for me was the burns. To begin with my skin held up really well but they did warn me that i had to be extra vigilant with the sorbolene cream that they gave me because of my fair skin so that was also a routine that i got into - taking sorbolene cream with me everywhere and trying to remember to put it on at least 3 - 4 times a day.

Unfortunately i still got burns quite badly. It didn't happen until about 3 weeks into the treatments but once it started it got really bad really quick. I started to put dressings onto the wounds along with the cream etc that they give you and that helps a bit but your chest is a really hard area to try and protect so it was uncomfortable and i found that it really affected my sleep. I wasn't even taking any pain medication at the start either but soon got into the habbit of panadol every 4 hours to keep on top of the pain. At the worst stage of the burns, i peeled about 3 times. It got so bad that i would have a shower and just the weight of the water on my chest would peel my skin off. Disgusting I know but that's how it was for me. If your reading this and have to have radio, don't worry you may not get this at all.

The good news is however that once it started to heal, it healed really really fast. I had to change my dressings twice a day and about 3 weeks after my last session of radio (yes, it keeps going for a while after the radio ends, unfair hey!) i found that it started to heal all of a sudden.

A good friend of mine who I met toward the end of my chemo was going through the exact same treatment as me and also had a young child and we tried to organise it so that we had our radio sessions one after the other and it made going to radiotherapy sort of enjoyable because we got to catch up every day and have a chat. Here's a photo of Vanessa and her boy Charlie. Love you Ness, you have been a wonderful support xoxo

My beautiful husband organised a dinner for us and his brother and wife (Jason and Hayley) to celebrate the end of my treatment. No more chemo and no more radio. I was so excited and really wanted to celebrate so dinner was perfect. What made it even more perfect was the fact that he had secretly organised for all of our friends that could make it to be in the lounge bar of the resturant for when we finished dinner so that we could all have some drinks together. It was the best suprise ever! Here are two photos from the night.

You can't really tell from these photos but had lots of bandages on my chest from the burns and had my scarf on all night to cover up my bright red chest. You could literally see on my chest and back exactly where the radiotherapy was aimed. Also, I dont know if this happens to others but i didn't really lose my eyebrows until the end of radiotherapy. I didn't end up losing them completely but just about. This photo shows them when they are at their thinnest. It must have just been that my old hairs fell out just as my new hair was starting to come through. My hair was starting to grow back very very slowly at this stage so i definately still had to wear a wig. Unfortunately though I got really drunk on this night (i couldn't hold my alcohol at all during radio!) and ended up taking my wig off at the resturant. Talk about embarrassing! Oh well it was a good night.