Hi, my name is Sarah Crimmins. At age 28, when my daughter was only 11 months old (in December 2008), I was diagnosed with Grade 3 Invasive Breast Cancer.

Since then I have had a mastectomy of my left breast, gone through IVF, 4 months of Chemotherapy, 5 weeks of radiotherapy, hospitalised with meningitis and just recently in December 2009, I underwent a prophylactic mastectomy of my right breast with immediate reconstruction and a reconstruction of my left breast using the latissimus dorsi.

At the start of my cancer journey I spent hours on the internet searching for similar stories to my own and in particular, photographs of those women so I could gain an understanding of what I was about to go through and although I found some, I didn't find many.

This is the main reason for my blog. I wanted to be able to share my experience and photographs of my journey in the hope that it will help someone else with the decisions that they are about to face.

This is the story of the worst year of my life, from finding the lump all the way to my reconstruction surgery and beyond.........

Please feel free to post some comments, actually i would absolutely love it if you would xo

Struggling......

I hate to admit it but i'm really struggling at the moment. I'm not even sure what it is that i'm struggling with, but it seems to be everything.

All through my treatment and even up until the reconstruction i was pretty positive and just got on with what i needed to but at the moment nothing seems to be easy. I hate sounding like such a sook and a whinger and that's how i feel i am all the time at the moment and i hate it. To go from being the one that was dealing with it all and now i really feel like i'm falling apart.

My aunty was recently diagnosed with Breast Cancer and i'm pretty close with her so it was hard to hear about her diagnosis. When she first told me though it was a pretty good outcome for her because they got it early and said that it was a cluster of cells and not even an actual lump yet so if she opted for a lumpectomy she wouldnt have to have chemo only radiotherapy, or if she opted for a mastectomy she wouldn't have to have any further treatment.

She opted for a mastectomy (which i was relieved with and thought she had made the right choice) and she found out after the surgery that it was lucky she had the mastectomy because it was a lump 4 times bigger than what they originally thought and she would've ended up having a mastectomy anyway.

Now they've decided that she has to have 4 rounds of chemo as well as the full 5 weeks of radio and it just breaks my heart that she has to go through all of this when she originally was told she wouldnt have to. She starts her first round of chemo tomorrow. All i can think about is how much i want to be there for her but she lives 3.5 hours away so it's not like i can just duck over to her house and see her but at the same time i think that maybe it's a good thing that we're not too close to each other because i think i'm really getting down and putting myself back in that situation. I know i shouldnt but it's hard not to.

I spoke to her alot before the surgery and i was really positive with her and just tried to make her laugh etc but at the same time was honest about all of the treatment etc but when i spoke to her just after the surgery i lost it. Knowing that she was in the hospital going through what i had been through a year before just broke me and i had to end the conversation pretty fast because i didn't want her to hear how upset i was. I figured she was going through a hard enough time she didn't need me crying to her on the other end of the line.

I think it's all snowballing from there. Now that i know shes starting chemo tomorrow i just keep thinking about her and how i can help etc but i'm getting myself in such a mess. Its like i'm back there a year ago trying to get everything organised for when i was about to go through it.

I dont really know what to do though. I really want to help her but i think i'm realising the hard way that i'm not far enough in my own journey to really be there like i want to be for her but it breaks my heart because i feel that if i don't keep trying to do things for her, that i'm going to let her down. I'm sure she doesn't feel that way, but i do.

The other issue is that i've got something weird going on with my right arm now. Like i need anything else to be happening seriously! I had all of my lymphnodes removed from my left arm but only one removed from my right (to test it) and because it was clear they didn't remove anymore from my right side but the weird thing is that the swelling is in my right arm and not my left. So none of my doctors know what the hell is going on and i have to go for more scans on thursday. Originally they thought that it might have been a DVT (Deep Vein Thrombosis) but thank god they came back clear so now they think that maybe the chemo has damaged my blood vessels and there's a clot or something happening. I'll find out on thursday and to be honest i just want it over with.

I want the bloody test to hurry up and be here so i can get on with it. Of course when i saw the lymphodema lady and my oncologist there was the mention of 'secondary' and that scared the absolute crap out of me. I had scans not that long ago and to think that there's a possibility of there being another tumor somewhere just broke me down. In my head i know that this is such a small chance, but in my heart i'm scared as hell that it could be.

At the start of my diagnosis i never once thought i was going to die or anything like that. Honestly, it didn't even enter my thoughts. To me it was a case of ok, this is what you've got and what you have to go through and then that will be it. But now i've learnt that this isn't the case at all. Once cancer comes into your life it's never going to go away.

You can't just go to any old doctor for something simple anymore. Everything is complicated. And i'm so sick of hearing the words 'only a small percentage of women have this' or 'that's strange, we'll have to look into this further'. Seriously!!!! If i'm so 'out of the ordinary' or 'special' and am in a small percentage of the population, why can't i win the lotto or have something spectacular happen like winning a house or a car or something fantastic!!!!

Everyone around me is having babies as well - my twin sister, my 2 sister-in-laws and a few friends. I couldn't be more surounded by babies if i tried. I've been really upset about the fact that i can't have another baby at the moment, despite the fact that my lovely little girl is going through the terrible twos but the weird thing is i think i got my period today. I'm not sure if that's what it is but i haven't had a bleed since i december (my reconstruction) which was a withdrawal bleed from the tamoxifen and then out of the blue today i think i've got them. I'm thinking it's maybe cause i'm stressed out? Hopefully not though, hopefully it's a good sign that my fertility is going to be ok.....crossing my fingers xxxxxx

Macy can be such a beautiful little thing but lately she's really pushing my buttons as well with being the 'terrible two's'. I know i shouldnt get frustrated with her but bloody hell it's hard sometimes. I hate it when she's testing me because with how i feel at the moment she's winning and that's making it even worse so on top of worrying about aunty irene and my health i feel like such a bad mother and this is probably the worst of it all. She's probably mucking up more because i'm distracted by all of this negative stuff going on around me and that's not fair on her.

I really need to sort my shit out but i don't even know where to start.....................
Posted by Sarah Crimmins 2 comments
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